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Long Weekend Adventures July 6, 2010

Posted by Kimmothy in Baptists, Fam Damily, Foodies, Home Life, Movies.

The three-day weekend was the perfect mix of lazy, productive and fun, which is my favorite kind. Plus we had a break in the heat which just made everything that much more awesome.


– Friday night we met one of Brian’s friends at this little Irish pubby place so Brian could pay him for helping us clean the latest foreclosure. Even though I don’t drink anymore, bars are an endless source of amusement for me and when this dude came up and gave me a list of bootleg DVD’s he had for sale, I laughed and said “Thank you sir for your kind offer, but I would NEVER want to take away any of the hard-earned funds from those moral, making-the-world-a-better-place celebrities – why, this offends my very soul!” (Heather knows the real story but she’s sworn to secrecy.)

– Brian got all shitty with me for no reason Saturday morning and this doesn’t happen very often. I used it to my advantage however, and didn’t protest when he drove off in a huff to go do some chores for his parents. I spent the afternoon on the front porch reading my library book and followed that with a deeply satisfying nap. Later after he got home he was fine again of course, and we had a lot of fun making fun of a certain vampire movie that just came out in the theater last week but by some mysterious reason we were able to watch at home already. I know nothing.

– Moral of that last one: if he ever gets pissy, let him – especially if it’s going to mean some free time at home alone.

– Yesterday I went to lunch with my MIL, Brian’s favorite aunt and cousin who I’ve always really liked, despite the fact she strongly resembles a model. She’s one of those gorgeous girls who has no idea she’s gorgeous and so that makes her likable. We went to a place called Pawley’s Front Porch which has recently been on the show Diners, Drive-ins and Dives on the Food Network. They’re known for their burgers, but to be honest, while it was definitely a tasty burger, I’ve had better. Then again, maybe if my brain isn’t constantly adding up the calories every time I put something in my mouth, I might’ve enjoyed it more? No, seriously – I can think of three places right off the top of my head I like the burgers more. Still it was a really cool place and it was a really nice time.  

– Our washing machine quit us a few weeks back and very luckily George had a spare. With the switch-out in progress, it was obviously the best time to finish repairing the damaged laundry room, and we started tackling it yesterday afternoon. Now, when I say “laundry room,” what I really mean is, “tiny added-on space connected to the kitchen by a door and hanging onto the house by magic.” That’s where the pipe broke over the winter and knowing it was going to be a hellish project, we’ve kind of been putting it off until absolutely necessary, i.e. now. After a quick Home Depot run, we managed to clean all the crap out of the room, rip out the particle board walls, remove the unmentionable-infested insulation and sweep and vaccum off the curling linoleum floor. The garbage men are going to hate us today when they see what lies await on our curb. We still have a little ways to go, but in the meantime we were really happy with ourselves with our progress and excited to soon finally have this thing checked off the list. The goal of doing some home improvement project every week has been working out really well and we’re motivated to keep going until there’s nothing left to do except move out.

Bonus: totally forgot I looked like this while running garbage back and forth to the curb:

Not Throwing Gang Signs

People did give me some weird looks, but I’m so used to it, it didn’t hit me until much later I looked like some psycho who was performing frightening procedures inside my house.


I Obviously Need to go Back to Work January 4, 2010

Posted by Kimmothy in Celebrities, Life, Movies, Whatever.

I rented Jennifer’s Body the other night and as is my habit after seeing a movie, I went to IMDB to read about it. Well, that led me to a black hole of an Internety time-suck that lasted hours, which kind of threw off my whole day but I guess that’s what vacation is for, right? Sure.

The movie is essentially made by women, with women, and for women (I don’t care who you are, Megan Fox is hot. Vapid as a piece of lettuce, but really hot) “unconventional,” in the sense that I guess it’s still rare for the horror genre that a woman is in the role of monster with men (boys, to be specific) being the victims. It only really shocked me in the similar sense that “Monster” with Charlize Theron was disturbing, except of course that was actually based on a true story so that creepy feeling you get is a little different. But also similar. Yeah, I don’t know either.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s a little disconcerting at this advanced stage of the game that a ruckus is still stirred when a woman dips her little pedicured toe into the Man pool and comes up with something entertaining and marketable. Some of the comments I read about the movie’s writer/producer Diablo Cody (disclaimer: I am a fan) were downright scary in their misogynistic tone and content. I mean, sure – judge an artist on their talent; isn’t that what the Internets are for, us armchair critics? (And yes, some of her dialogue makes me cringe but I always recover quickly.) But in a movie discussion forum to bring up what she wears, how she looks, how trashy her tattoos are, the fact she used to be a stripper which obviously means she was also a hooker – the fuck? I love Kevin Smith too, but most of the criticism about him pertains mainly to the point people still think he’s a hack after over a decade of successful movies and projects, not that he’s going bald, is overweight, has the wardrobe of a frat boy and used to work in a convenience store.

I don’t usually climb up on many soapboxes, let alone the feminism one, because I don’t like spending a lot of time on what I still think is a mostly pointless battle. I like cooking dinner and somewhat catering to my husband and I appreciate when doors are opened for me. But hot damn, some of the shit we still, STILL go through on a consistent basis amazes the hell out of me. Is it just that it’s more subtle now and disguised by political correctness that makes it less noticeable?

I realize too that some of it is geographical and I am in an old, mid-sized city in the South. I try not to get offended when some old dude calls me Honey or Sweetheart or as is the case many times here, Darlin’. It’s how they grew up and all that. Plus it’s fun being called Darlin’ when the right person says it with the right accent. And I understand the Man-as-head-of-household is still pretty prevalent around here, as it’s both culturally and religiously been practiced here for-freaking-ever.

Brian grew up in a household like that and on occasion when I see his mom defer to George when she technically shouldn’t, I cringe a little inside. At the same time I’m thankful Brian grew up with many independent thoughts and opinions that completely differ from his parents (had he not, I doubt he would’ve married a Jew). Can he be a little piggish at times? Sure. I think it’s part of his DNA. But do I call him on it? Every time. Does that change anything though? Not really. Am I ever going to stop answering my own questions? I doubt it.

Sister and I have had many, many conversations regarding male/female division of responsibilities. Sadly, it will never, EVER be the case that a husband/boyfriend will be judged on a messy household or an unsuccessful dinner party. It makes no nevermind that most women now work full-time jobs, as many long hours as their male partners if not more, but are still strapped with the majority of the domestic tasks. Well, and This Just In: Life’s not fair.

However. There’s a reason I married the person I did. I’m not attracted to weak, sensitive men. I’ve been friends with a few of those and it’s lovely in the way that deep discussions about make-up with your girlfriend is nice. I’m glad there are these sensitive, enlightened fellows around. But I know that’s not what would make me happy in the longrun. Brian’s fucking socks on the floor right in front of the goddam hamper are still worth putting up with for the other (schwing!) things he provides me with.

I think it all boils down to a respect thing. Maybe there just needs to be more of it all the way around and then we can go from there.

My Top Ten December 23, 2009

Posted by Kimmothy in Holidays, Lists, Movies.

I’m a sucker for both lists and end-of-the-year round-ups, so imagine my delight when I came Paste Magazine’s fifty best movies of the decade. Jon has a list of his own as well. While these things are totally subjective, I was pretty impressed with myself I’d seen eighteen of the movies Paste listed and while Donnie Darko still makes me want to punch a kitten, I agreed with the greatness factor of most of the others.

Out of that list, here’s my personal top ten:

10. The Departed – Scorsese. DiCaprio. Damon. Boston accents. Loved it.

9. Junebug – You may not have heard of this quiet little thing, but it’s the first thing I saw Amy Adams in and what made me start liking her even though I’ve heard she’s not really a nice person and I can kind of see that about her.

8. No Country for Old Men – You can just go ahead and put every Coen Brothers movie on every top ten list as far as I’m concerned.

7. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – Trippy, kind of suicide-inducing, but creative and proof Jim Carrey can do more than make weird faces and stupid noises.

6. Kill Bill Vol 1 & 2 – For awhile there I thought Quentin was in an early retirement, but this proved he’s just as badass as he ever was. This also confirmed my suspicion he’s obsessed with Uma, but I can’t blame him for that; for awhile she was my number one If I Ever Switched Teams girl.

5. LOTR Trilogy – I fought this for a long time and I’m glad I waited to watch all of them with my movie club successively over a three-week period. Yes, it was a twelve hour movie of a long walk and then a ring getting tossed into an abyss at the end. So what.

4. Little Miss Sunshine – In my humble opinion, this is pretty much perfection in a movie.

3. O’ Brother Where Art Thou? – This came out during my Bad Time and it was one of the few things that proved to me it was still good to be alive. The soundtrack is still never too far out of reach in our house.

2. Juno – I used to want to be Tina Fey. Until Diablo Cody came along.

1. Almost Famous – I was amazed this movie arrived technically in this decade because it sort of feels like it’s been around my whole life. I can’t say anything about it that hasn’t already been said, but I will say it’s probably not just my favorite of the past ten years, but pretty much my favorite of all time. I did not see Kate Hudson’s career going in the direction it has after this though.

I’m sure there will be a deluge of these types of lists over the next few weeks – it’s what pop culturists live for. And I’m also pretty sure I’ll stop and read each one of them. Except did we already technically hit the end of a decade when 2009 started? That always confuses me a lot.

One of the traditions I loved and wish I could implement again is going to the movies on Christmas Day. How perfect is that – you’ve opened all the presents, eaten a bunch of food and already spent way too many “quality” hours-days with people you’re related to. One year my mom was being a total bitchface about something and I was feeling murderous toward her but it soon didn’t matter because we got the hell out of there and went to see Titanic. Movies are supposed to be about escapism and what more do you ever need to escape than your family at the holidays? Those evil Hollywood geniuses know this of course, which is why a movie always premieres that day – how convenient!

I’m hoping to fit a movie in somewhere between now and when I go back to work. We shall see.

Full of Sunshine December 3, 2009

Posted by Kimmothy in Life, Movies, Uncategorized.

Last night I rented Sunshine Cleaning, an independent, did-well-at-Sundance-type movie starring Amy Adams, Emily Blunt (my new girlcrush) and Alan Arkin, from the producers of Little Miss Sunshine, one of my top faves of all faves. I can’t say it was as awesome as that one (not many are), but I liked it a lot and it was worth the $3.99 that will be tacked onto my next cable bill.

This isn’t a movie review, so bear with me for a minute. Basically it’s about a twenty-something single mom (Adams) who was the pretty, popular high school cheerleader and who now has a totally shitty life: having an affair with her married high school sweetheart who’s wife is currently pregnant, working for a maid service and at a snack counter, dealing with her smart but troubled kid. She and her sister eventually start their own company, cleaning up blood and guts at crime scenes, the titular Sunshine Cleaning. Sorry, but I had to give the set-up to make my point, which regards one scene, the one that almost did me in.

Amy Adams (“Rose”) is at one of her house cleaning jobs and explaining the company’s procedures to the rich-snot homeowner, when the lady interrupts her and goes, “Rose? Rose Lorkowski!” (insert puzzled look from Rose) “It’s Paula! Don’t you remember – junior year cheerleading squad!” Rose’s face slowly reflects simultaneous recognition/horror. Paula walks around the kitchen island to reveal her pregnant belly and says, “Well, I’m MRS so-and-so now,” while flashing her gigantic rock, bragging about great things are with her, etc., until finally she asks Rose what she’s doing now. Because the uniformed shirt and vacuum cleaner in her hand – if not her very presence in the woman’s house after she obviously hired a cleaning service – apparently wasn’t enough of a clue. Rose mumbles something about how she just got her real estate license (she’s actually not finished with the courses yet) and how she’s just doing this until she can decide which real estate company to go with, after which she pretty much runs out of the house, down the driveway and into her shitty rustbucket of a car, and drives away with a grim mouth set and tearful, glassy eyes.

It was with a frightening amount of ease I was able to identify with poor “Rose.” There are obvious differences between her and me but I was more thinking of the similarites: she’s unmarried with a kid, I’m married without one. Her mom is dead and dad is alive, reverse that for my parents. She loves her psycho slacker younger sister and I love mine. (Just kidding, Sister! But watch this movie soon please!) Her second job is cleaning up dead people’s houses, mine is cleaning up foreclosed people’s houses.  

Semi-related: There’s this girl on my Facebook friends. Let’s call her Paula, just like in the movie. I went to high school with her, obvs. Before FB, what I knew about her was that she started dating (let’s call him Bif), our sophmore year, all throughout high school, then they went to college together where they remained together throughout, graduated, got married, and Bif went to work for Paula’s dad at his gigantic Ford dealership back in our small town. The last time I saw her in person, she was hugely pregnant with their first (Second? I don’t know and who cares) baby and she filled me in on how great things were of course and my only consolation was that her ankles were bulgy and my hair looked great that day. Now, thanks to the joys of social networking, I know she’s still married to Bif, he still works for Daddy Fordbucks and they have three cute kids, two boys and a girl. And that they recently took a trip to the North Carolina mountains to pick out and cut down their Christmas tree. Of course the trip was well documented for the benefit of all her Facebook friends. Basically if you look up “Perfect Family Christmas Card Portrait and Annual Family Newsletter Update” in the dictionary, there they all will be, with matching outfits and toothy smiles.

She’d asked me before they left how close we lived to where they were going, that maybe we could get together for lunch or something. With huge relief, I told her where they were headed was actually hours from where I live (technically that’s true, because ninety miles would take hours if you drove it going fifty.) It’s not like we were close friends in high school or ever. In fact, my clearest memory of her was the day I wore my new “Promise ring” to school, a microscopic chip of a thing, and she immediately zero’d in on it and made a huge deal about how John and I were probably going to get married, just like she and Bif. I shudder at that thought, on many levels.

I know no one has a perfect life, no matter how they portray it on the Internet, I really do. I also know that feelings of jealousy, inferiority and blind rage aren’t productive or healthy. But damn. I can’t help but sometimes wonder exactly when it was I veered.

Don’t You Forget About Me August 25, 2009

Posted by Kimmothy in Baby-Making, Home Life, Jews, Movies, Weather, Whatever, Work.

Apparently evil forces are conspiring to prevent me from my usual internet habits. Between the home computer finally farting out its final queef Friday night (during Brian’s weekly poker tourney, no less) and work pickign up in that brisk and annoying way it does every Fall, I feel like I’m completely out of the cyber loop. And I don’t like it, not one little bitch (typo, but it stays). In fact, I should really be working right now, but dammit enough’s enough already.

Hmm, so now that I’m here I can’t think of what I wanted to say. Typical. So much, yet nothing really important. Counting the days ’til the good weather arrives, of course. Funny how it’s right about now where every year I feel like I can’t deal with the heat anymore and right as I reach my breaking point, we get that first little hint of cool, dry mornings and nights. I was cleaning the closet room (again) the other night and I discovered a notebook where I’d written last year “September 15 – First day of wearing long sleeves.” Yes, I am that much of a dork. But like I told Heather, I appreciate myself when I do stupid shit like that. Because now either I can look forward to wearing long sleeves three weeks from today, or I can be disappointed that the day isn’t as cool as it was last year but either way know it won’t be too much longer now. Little things like that keep me enthusiastic about being alive. 

What else. Oh yeah – for the first time in ages, and I mean ages, I got hit on yesterday! Well, that sounds rude and in reality it wasn’t that way at all. Our building’s roof is caving in (it’s qualified as “historic” which actually means “we don’t have funds to either tear it down or rennovate it so let’s keep putting duct tape on it”) so there have been maintenance guys here almost every day. There’s one in particular who I usually say hi to or end up making small talk with – no flirting, I swear, and yesterday he asked if I remembered to bring my lunch (I had forgotten it the other day). I said “No, I forgot it again,” and he then asked if I wanted to go get something to eat. I am so out of practice because I didn’t see that one coming a mile away. I kind of laughed and said, “Well, the husband probably wouldn’t be too happy about that!” and he looked down at my ring hand and blushed fourteen shades of red. He said “I did NOT notice your ring!” and I believe him, because no one can fake blushing like that. When I told Brian (of course I did!) he said, “The poor guy had probably debated doing it all weekend, only to get shot down.” I hadn’t thought of that. But, a little awkward, a little ego boost, no harm, no foul. Like Grace said, it’s a shame he’s the roof guy instead of the computer guy, considering my problem at home. Those days are long past and times like these I really miss them. At least I’ll know who to flirt with should our roof at home become problematic.

We saw Inglourious Basterds over the weekend. Not as bad as my friend Stephanie thought it was, but definitely not Pulp Fiction or Kill Bill level. As a Jew, I did enjoy the revenge fantasy aspect of it and Brad still makes me laugh, but way too long and a little indulgent. A good way to kill a hot afternoon though.

Finally talked to Mother. Nothing new to report there.

Been trying to speak with a co-worker who used to work in adoptions, but both of our schedules have prevented that from happening. Barring putting an ad on Craigslist (“Wanted: Baby, sex unimportant, between the ages of 0 and 4 weeks, to a good home.”), adoption is really the only avenue I see that’s left. And the more time passes, the more I’m okay with that. I came across an empty pill bottle that used to contain some of those evil hormones the other day and stood there in shock, thinking about how I spent the first six months of this year. It’s already taken on the quality of something I might have dreamed instead of something that actually happened and that alone amazes me. The first of the eight pregnant people I know gave birth last week and it barely registered with me. I don’t know what that means.

To end on an upbeat note, I’ll leave you with a joke:

A baby seal walks into a club…


Happy bloody Memorial Day May 25, 2009

Posted by Kimmothy in Baby-Making, Holidays, Home Life, Moods, Movies.

Right as Brian was running around yesterday getting ready to leave, I went to the bathroom and saw that my period was in the process of arriving. The scary part was the almost absolute emotionless reaction I had. Considering I didn’t once for a minute believe I was pregnant this time, I guess it’s not too surprising. I could tell he felt bad but I didn’t want to make a big scene right before he left to drive two hours to see family, so I didn’t. After he left though, and it started raining and I went to the bathroom again just to confirm what was true, I thought, Wow, I wonder if this day could this day suck any more? No, I don’t think it could. Then I accidentally rammed my toe into the cabinet under the bathroom sink and thought, Ahh, yes.

I half-assed started cleaning up, but my heart wasn’t in it anymore. Which now that I think about it, I actually was reacting to getting my fucking period; I just wasn’t really allowing myself to acknowledge it too much. But when I woke up from a three hour nap, I was ready for the pity party to be done with. Each of the last two times this has happened, all I wanted was to be left alone for the day and hey, here I was. I spent the rest of the day doing laundry, reading, making potato salad in honor of it being a cook-out holiday and renting a non-Brian movie off of PPV, Rachel Getting Married, which was good and worth the $3.99.

Today I’m one of a small skeleton crew here at work, which is a good mix of being out of the house and also somewhat left alone. It hasn’t been the kickoff to Summer celebration weekend for me that it is for most people, but this has never been a significant holiday for me anyway, so it’s fine. I’m thankful to all our vets, but I live with a man who watches the History Channel a lot and get plenty of opportunities to be thankful and cry for them.

The highlight so far has been my cousin Scott emailing to let me know there’s a Land of the Lost marathon on the SciFi channel today and he’s ecstatically introducing his older daughter to what used to be our favorite show when we were her age. I’m looking forward to watching a couple of episodes when I get home and I’m damn sure going to see the movie when it comes out, even though I know it’ll be nothing like the show. Scott and I used to “play” Land of the Lost and the most fun part was always going over the waterfall. Now it’s being described as a “cult classic,” so I doubt anyone knows what the hell I’m even talking about so I’ll stop.

I’m looking forward to Brian coming home this afternoon. I did fine without him, what with avoiding getting murdered in the shower while home alone and all, but yeah, life is much more fun with him around. I don’t know what’s next on the baby agenda, but I’m finding it difficult to care right now. Life goes on and it’s still better than the alternative.

Whoa, can you FEEL the ennui?

I’m fine. Really.

Zoo, almost April 19, 2009

Posted by Kimmothy in Baby-Making, Books, Celebrities, Home Life, Movies.

I think without realizing it, for the last few weeks I’ve been somewhat hermatizing (not a word but I’m using it anyway) myself. I’ve avoided seeing his family who were up visiting from Florida. I’ve avoided the redneck friends. I’ve made no effort to see any of our other friends. Books. I’ve spent a lot of time with books this month because you don’t have to make conversation with them if you dont’ want to and they don’t care at all what kind of mood you’re in or if you’ve put any make-up on. (See why I don’t mind the rule about ending sentences with prepositions; I do it all the time. Because I’m the grammatical gangster.)

I wouldn’t classify this as depression, per se; I’ve been fairly good company for myself. Yes, I may have slept a little more than what would may be considered normal lately, but whatever. I think I’ve just been wanting some quiet while I waited out this latest two-week period between the last procedure and taking another test. I’m not excitedly waiting to take the test this time and as a matter of fact, I don’t think I’m even buying it until the day comes and goes that my period should arrive. If that scenario even happens. While the thought of getting my period again this month is utterly putrid, the thought of peeing on another stick only to see one line show up is just abhorent.

That day is arriving quickly and just thinking about it makes me break out in the cold sweats and have heart palpitations. And that’s always fun. Because this would be strike two and the way this particular office works is that after strike three, you’re out. Out of luck, that is. They say if three inseminations haven’t worked, odds are pretty high it’s not going to, and I can certainly buy that. What would happen then is we’d discuss other options, most likely IVF. I don’t even want to think that far ahead however; the financial aspect of it is the hurdle I haven’t figured out how we’d jump over yet.

But yesterday was a beautiful day and I woke up knowing if I didn’t get out of the house for awhile, I’d start to become foul. It’s funny that Laura posted yesterday about feeling poopy and how she was going to work through it by doing productive things around the house – usually that strategy works for me as well, but I think I’ve been in the house waaay too much recently.

I wrote Brian a note and stuck it to the bathroom mirror with a gorilla sticker “Please take me to the zoo today.” When he got up a few minutes later and went to the bathroom, I heard him laugh and knew my plan worked. I’ve been wanting to go; the Riverbanks Zoo is rated pretty highly as far as zoos go (one of the best in the Southeast they claim), it’s not far from here, it’s not too expensive and like I said, the weather was the stuff my weather dreams are made of. (Preposition! Sorry.)

We set off happily, camera in tow. I babbled excitedly about how we hadn’t been there in almost ten years, how I couldn’t wait to see the Silverback gorilla and how the botanical gardens were probably ridiculously gorgeous right now. As we approached the zoo exit, we noticed traffic was getting thicker. As we looked at the exit ramp and the overpass leading to the zoo entrance, we noticed cars were stopped. All in the direction of the zoo. He looked at me and I just said “No.” We got off the exit and headed in the other direction, wanting to get away from that clusterfuck as quickly as possible.

What I don’t get is that I checked the website that morning to see if anything was going on that day, because I know sometimes they have large-ish events. Boo at the Zoo for Halloween and Lights Before Christmas, etc. The site allows you to click on the date of the month you want to visit and let’s you see if anything is happening – which I did and it wasn’t. Obviously SOMETHING was happening, though; I’m sure I’ll read about it in the paper today.

I was sad. I didn’t want to go back home yet. I had flashbacks to when we were headed to Disney World once when I was a wee lass and the interstate was backed up for miles with rabid tourists all clamoring to get in at the same time and my dad saying he was very sorry but we’d have to go to Sea World instead. Sea World? I’m sorry – marine life is no substitute for the mighty Mouse. Not when you’re ten anyway.

We started throwing out ideas and finally he said, Want to see a movie? I answered with Crank 2 just came out. He said Hell yes, that’s perfect! Then fate intervened, I guess to make up for the previous debacle. We got a newspaper and I saw that the movie was playing at the theater that’s within walking distance of our neighborhood and the next showing was twenty minutes from right then. We walked in just in time for my favorite part, the previews.

So while it was disappointing I didn’t get to see any animals, it turns out Jason Statham IS an acceptable substitute, because the man certainly brings out the animal in me:
The movie was just as absurd as the first one, but take a gander at that specimen above – do you think that bothered me? Ha!

And now, another weekend is coming to a close already. Sheesh.

I’m complicated March 25, 2009

Posted by Kimmothy in Books, Fam Damily, Foodies, Friends, Home Life, Movies, Vacation, Walmart, Whatever.

This morning I realized I didn’t pick up my next baby-making prescription last night like I was supposed to. It’s pretty bad when you’re trying so hard not to focus on what you can’t help focusing on you end up focusing yourself right out of what you’re supposed to do. That made a lot more sense in my head.

So I raced out of here and drove quickly to the Deathstar. I figured it wouldn’t be too bad at 10:30 on a rainy weekday morning. Silly me. But only one person was ahead of me in line, so not too bad. Until that person left and two women walked right past me and up to the counter with nary a backwards glance. I’ve had a lot of near fist fights at this store, but this time I could literally feel my blood pressure rising. The person behind the counter either didn’t notice or just pretended not to, so when they were getting ready to leave I said loudly enough for her to hear, “I know your time is more important than ours, but maybe next time you should stand in line like everybody else.” The people behind me were like, “Yeah!” and the two women in their cheap weaves and nasty sweatsuits mumbled some shit under their breath then one smiled and said “Have a blessed day!” all sarcastic-like. I said, “Thanks; you have a cursed day,” and everybody laughed, which was awesome. Normally I wouldn’t have said anything then come up with all the stuff I should’ve said for days. So far my only regret is not saying, “Are you SURE you want to cut in line at the pharmacy??? You could be depriving a crazy person of their meds and that’s not ever advisable.”

“Have a blessed day” – It seems as though that is a very popular saying around here and I hear it a lot talking to DSS employees and day care staff people on the phone. I’d never heard this until we got back here – is it a southern thing? Is it a new development in phony social niceties? Because I’m not kidding when I say the way most of them say it sounds more like “Fuck the fuck off.” Have a blessed day. Stupid asses.

Or maybe I’m just looking at it wrong and it really is a nice sentiment, but my nature prevents me from thinking that way. Along those same lines, sort of, is a new list I’ve started (shocker). It is called Things I Should Like But Don’t. This is what I have so far:

Massages – Sister and some of my friends LIVE for these things. For Sister who is a court reporter, a massage is a rare treat she allows herself when her back is at its breaking point and she feels this has helped her a great deal over the past few years. Our friend Jen is the same way and tries to schedule herself one once every couple of months. She thought she’d be nice one weekend while visiting and treat me to one as well. I think I’ve written about the experience before, so suffice it to say it felt like we became characters starring in a Stephen King novel and I was way more stressed and knotted up afterwards than I ever was before I’d experienced it. Never again. If I wanted strangers to touch me with my shirt off, I would have become an adult entertainer.

Pedicures – Again, strangers touching me, not a fan. I’m very ticklish and don’t like people touching my feet. I also have a great disdain for people who speak in other languages (in this case mostly Korean) to each other in front of me and my friends. You KNOW they’re talking shit and laughing because they’re doing it RIGHT IN FRONT OF US! I do like the massage chairs you get to sit in though. I’d much rather have a chair massage me than a person – I wonder what that says about me.

The Twilight series – I’ve tried, I really have. Now I’m stuck in the middle of book two just like I was with the last one. It’s not like I don’t like the idea of hot, sparkly vampires, it’s just that the writing is SO BAD. I’m sorry! I know I’m in the minority here and I doubt Stephanie Meyer will lose any sleep over my criticism. She can’t hear any criticism from atop that big pile of money she now lives on. I am planning on watching the dvd though, if only to sit in amazement over the fact that Edward the vampire used to be Cedric Diggory, friend of Harry Potter. Plus, the hotness.

Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwiches – I know, I must be a communist. I can handle peanut butter with other stuff (like chocolate) but jelly can go straight to hell. Yeesh!

Baths – The other night Brian was taking a shower and the showerhead fell apart, causing a small but significant watery mess all over the bathroom and he now knows what it’s like to bathe under a waterfall. The next day I took a bird bath (thank you Shari) or a whore’s bath (thank you Heather) in the sink and prayed he’d be able to get something to fix the shower that night. Luckily he did, therefore allowing my bath abstinence to continue. A lot of people love them and say it’s completely relaxing and for them I’m sure it is. Me, I have trouble relaxing when I’m clothed and dry, let alone naked and wet (yes, issues). I’ve even tried reading and still just can’t get into it, thinking about sitting around soaking in my own dirt. Even bubble baths leave me feeling like I need to shower off all the sticky shit afterwards. I know. I’m strange.

Self check-outs – In theory these are great and I was very excited for them at first. It is fun scanning and bagging stuff, but now it’s mostly just me getting stuck behind the asshole who has a ton of shit and who ends up needing the assistance of one of the store’s employees so the whole time-saving idea is nonexistent. I’ll use them if I have one item and no one is in front of me but other than that, no thanks.

Beaches – I know, right? Why don’t I just move to Alaska (please?) and live in an igloo! I will admit we had a great time last Labor Day on a beach family weekend but that was mainly because it had been so long since I’d been to one, it was somewhat of a novelty again. Plus his dad had rented a badass house for us all and we ate and drank a lot. And I got to take a long bike ride. I still really only enjoyed the actually sand and water part of it in the early morning and at dusk. I think this has to do with growing up in Florida and under my parents’ rule being forced to spend many beach days without having any choice in the matter. I’ve also gotten sunburned badly enough so I briefly considered suicide only to make the pain stop. Lakes and rivers are cool, mountains are the best, but beaches are best left for those who tan easily and/or know how to surf.

Okay, well now I’ve just confirmed what you’ve been thinking for awhile anyway, that I’m weird, so I’ll stop right here. Believe it or not I am very fond of a lot of things too, one of them being quittin’ time. And since it’s about that time, I am o-u-t, OUT!

Mystery! Intrigue! Laziness! Presents! February 14, 2009

Posted by Kimmothy in Books, Celebrities, Fam Damily, Foodies, Friends, Holidays, Home Life, Meme, Movies, The Man.

With the dog hurting himself last weekend, my dreams for a family roadtrip on my birthday were squashed, just like last year when I met my friend Jen in Savannah instead of going north to the mountains. Is there some evil force keeping me from seeing over an inch of snow? It’s starting to look that way. But I didn’t want to leave him with Brian’s parents again (since-that’s-who-he-was-with-when-he-hurt- himself-not-that-I’m-blaming-them-but-you-know-what-I-mean) and taking him with us was in the original plans but he’s still limping, I decided staying home was the only option. It was still a nice day.

Brian had to work in the morning, so I slept late. He came back bearing gifts and those gifts were a bunch of dvd’s he knew I’d love and a little exercise gadget I’ve been wanting, one of those calorie counter things I keep seeing on The Biggest Crybaby. I guess he’s taking me seriously when I tell him I’m starting to exercise again. He’s always been an optimist that way. He also brought home burgers, fries and Cokes, which is my favorite birthday lunch.

We watched Baby Mama, which was better than I thought it would be – surprising. Tina Fey is genius at portraying the late-thirties baby obsession that takes over while you’re not paying attention. In one scene she’s in a crowded elevator with a lady holding a baby standing in front of her. She reaches out and touches the baby’s hand and then secretly sniffs the baby’s head; kind of creepy and totally real. Brian looked at me during the scene and I said, Yes. That shit is REAL. He then asked me what was up with her since her character on 30 Rock is also trying to adopt a baby and I told him she’s fine; she’s married and has a baby in real life. Because I probably know a little too much about her, but it comes in handy for situations like that.

I checked my email that evening and found out work had been trying to get ahold of me but my voicemail box was full. Oops. A lot of people had called and text’d (what is the past tense of text, dammit, becaused “texted” looks stupid) to leave me birthday messages and that made me very happy. But apparently someone had sent flowers to me at work, not knowing I wasn’t going to be there yesterday. Was it you? I can’t figure it out. They stored them in the cold supply closet for me to help keep them from wilting, but I’m going to take a ride over there today and get them so I can bring them home and stare at them. I like flowers. And I can’t wait to find out who sent them!

My friend Johnann sent me a bunch of books from my Amazon wishlist that I’ve plowed through while still avoiding Twilight. Even so, we’re planning a Barnes & Noble date today, as one can never have enough books; I need to buy one for Brian for V-day as well. Annette always gets me Office-related merchandise, but this year she decided to cover all the shows and got me a cool (literally because it’s the kind you stick in the freezer so it can keep your drinks cold) mug with the NBC logo on it. She and I are proud Peacock geeks. Before we had cable, NBC was the only channel we could pick up and I was frighteningly fine with that, since that’s what 90% of the things I watch are on. I know Heather was naughty and is sending me a birthday box and unlike the one I sent her, I’m sure everything she planned on putting in it will be in it. Does anyone know where four bottles of OPI nailpolish could have run off to, because THEY WEREN’T IN HER BOX AND I DON’T HAVE THEM EITHER. Ahem, sorry. That is the kind of mystery I don’t enjoy. And of course my mom sent me a Walmart gift card, because she knows depending on our finances, I’ll either spend it on something for myself or on groceries, which also counts for myself. A grocery trip without worrying about over-spending is a very exciting thing to me. I am easily pleased, which makes for a lot more fun and a lot less disappointment in life.

And this morning upon sitting down to the computer, I saw a big red stuffed heart with sneakers on waiting for me – I’m guessing that had to be from Brian or I’m REALLY going to be mystified. I tell him every year not to acknowledge Valentine’s, since I feel my birthday is the more important of the two holidays, but every year he gets me a little thing anyway. He’s cool like that.

It’s been a nice celebratory weekend so far; I hope everyone else’s is too.

I said Brr, it’s cold in here! January 15, 2009

Posted by Kimmothy in Books, Fam Damily, Movies, Reading, Weather, Work.

That title is for Grace, who will be the only one who understands it, unless someone else is a cheerleading mom who has heard that cheer as many times as we have.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but OH MY HELL, IT’S COLD!!! And those of you who live in colder places than I do, I don’t want to here it man – under 30 degrees is under 30 degrees and that shit is cold. So I was checking the weather first thing this morning like I do every day and finally heard some good news. Saturday night we’re supposed to break all kinds of records and get down to 8 degrees. And then Sunday…(drum roll please)…there is a chance for snow!!! A “light dusting” only, probably no accumulation, but this makes me as excited as a crackhead in a candy store. Or a kid in a crack house – whatever. We’ll be twenty something miles north of home that day at the inlaws’ and I will bring the camera and stare out the window all day until I see white stuff falling from the sky. If it doesn’t happen by mid-afternoon like they’re predicting, we will get in the truck and keep driving until I see something, dammit. I’m sick of this waiting.

Oh, but I do have a question for all you northern folk. They warned to “winterize” your house for the next few days and the only thing I know that pertains to that is letting the faucets drip drip drip all night so the pipes don’t freeze. Is there anything else we should be doing so the house doesn’t freeze or explode or something? I don’t know these things.

Those good people at FOX are smart enough to understand that nothing breaks up the winter blues like bringing Amercian Idol back into our lives right smack in the middle of it. We dvr’d it and watched all four hours last night. But I will admit if it wasn’t for the dvr, I couldn’t handle it. Way too many commercial breaks. Same with Biggest Loser. But that is just reason number 685 I love my dvr like the boyfriend I’m not allowed to have. You pay several dollars a month for something that totally frees up time and takes away the annoyances of scheduled programming – I will never give it up, beautiful boyfriend.

So I’m about 100 pages into Twilight. So far it hasn’t been life-changing, but it’s very readable. That’s the danger of hype. I’ve learned to keep expectations low even when the whole world is raving because I’ve been burned way too many times. Like my dad with Caddy Shack. Every person he knew told him his life wouldn’t be complete if he didn’t watch that movie (my dad was a golf pro). He finally caught it on HBO years later and hated it. Which is blasphemy and it upset me. I asked him why and he said, “It made fun of golf. That’s how I’ve made a living my whole life and pay for all the stuff you like to buy.” Point taken. He was a purist when it came to golf though. And I still find myself cringing whenever someone talks about it being “A stupid game/chasing a little white ball around.” You know what, fucko? EVERY game is stupid and almost ALL of them involve chasing some kind of ball around. Whoa, get ahold of yourself.

Even though tomorrow is Friday I’m scheduled to set up a training in the morning. I’m actually happy about it, as it will force me to get up and out of the house early, therefore giving me more of a chance to have a productive day. Even though it’s going to be ball-grabingly cold tomorrow morning.

But this is the weather I wait for all year! I embrace it with gusto and joy.
I hope wherever you are, you’re staying warm and keeping dry and playing in some snow.