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Long Time No See December 2, 2012

Posted by Kimmothy in Experience, Friends, Life.
1 comment so far

Oh, hi.


If you want to blow your own mind (sounds dirty, wasn’t meant to), randomly run into the daughter of one of your old best friends at an event that is in no way connected to that part of your life and learn that she’s now the age you were when you met and became friends with her mother.

Brian had a work function banquet last night which held nothing but low expectations for me and then all of a sudden it was like I fell into that squiggly corkscrew graphic that depicts time travel in cheesy Twilight Zone episodes. Weirdly, Brian won a corkscrew in the raffle giveaway, which is useful only for this story since even if we did drink wine it wouldn’t be the kind that required a corkscrew. I won a pair of diamond earrings, but that’s not even the crazy thing.

After catching up with my friend’s daughter, and there was a lot of that to do, I learned that her mother, my friend of twenty years, tried to commit suicide about a month ago. I’d call it maybe an accidental overdose, but drinking a bottle of liquid Oxycodone (is that even a thing? I guess it is) and ingesting about two hundred pills probably can’t be considered an accident. It was really upsetting (obviously), especially because the last I’d heard, my friend was doing better, working various programs, seemingly overcoming her demons. Addiction is a motherfucker, in that you can be going along fine, living your life, thinking you’re on top of it all and then boom.

In my last therapy session, my doctor reminded me addiction is a disease that’s classified as Acute, Chronic, Relapsing (ARC, which is kind of a fun acronym if you put some thought into it), and one that never wants to let you go, like a psycho stalker lover. Thanks for that, Doc, really super great news. So you’re saying no matter how much time passes, how hard I work to be healthy, happy, and a functioning member of society, my brain is still warped and vulnerable to this hell. Here’s your $100, C U Next Tuesday.

Was it fate last night, bumping into her in the most unlikely of places? She really wants her mother and I to reconnect. I’m nervous, but I also want to see her, as she was someone who was a big part of my life for a lot of years. She also gave me my first Xanax (we were Christmas shopping and in fifteen minutes I went from wanting to stab people to wanting to give everyone a hug) and we spent many a time together washing pills down with Zima (it was the 90’s; give me a break), acting out our own redneck version of Valley of the Dolls. That wasn’t what our entire friendship was about, but looking back it was a big part of it. It still unnerves me when I think of all the friends I’ve had who have struggled with one form of addiction or another, some of whom are still knee-deep in the hell of it.

This is the time of year when I always (like many people do; I know I’m not a special snowflake) get reflective and nostalgic and long for days gone by. Well, the past ran up to me last night and gave me a big hug. And while it was all a little overwhelming, it made me feel like maybe it’s time to revisit some of it. Anything’s possible.


Canned March 19, 2011

Posted by Kimmothy in Experience, Work.

Something happened today that’s never happened to me before: I got laid off. (I hate that term; let’s just take the niceties away and call it what it actually is – fired. Not to mention “laid off” sounds vaguely sexual, which I can assure anyone who’s wondering; it feels pretty opposite from sexy.)

It’s something I’ve been worried about for a few months with all the talk of massive budget cuts flying around and culminating in a Center-wide email going out on a Friday in February telling all of us we’re definitely facing tough times ahead but “please don’t panic.” In my experience when somebody tells you that, it pretty much means it’s panic time. For a long time I’ve had this vague feeling of dread regarding all of this, which at times veered into outright anxiety, especially every time the news came of another person getting the ax.

I’m not as upset about the actual leaving of this job as I am that it seems like every time things are going well for us, I live in fear of what bad thing must certainly be around the corner. That is some pessimistic shit, but it’s always been the way I think. Now that the other shoe finally has dropped, it almost felt like the weight lifted and all day today the shock was tempered by little sparks of relief. It’s like now that the fear has been realized, I can relax and start using my energies toward moving on and finding the next gig.

Not that job hunting is anywhere near the top of my list of fun things, but I do feel sort of optimistic to see what’s next. There are very few people I’m going to miss from this place and for me that’s really unusual because at most jobs I’ve had in the past, I usually make a couple of close friends. That definitely makes it easier to emotionally detach, since there’s no one I’m really attached to.

Unlike others who they’ve gotten rid of lately, they’re actually giving me two weeks’ notice; with everyone else they let them know on Friday they have no reason to come in the following Monday – shitty. Everyone has left gracefully and I plan to do the same (only because of the great references they’ve promised me, though – believe THAT. Well, and even though I have some great fuck-you scenarios I play out in my mind, acting that way in real life is just not in me.

Brian, the eternal optimist, of course made my day a lot less traumatic as soon as I told him. He reminded me we’re in the best position we’ve ever been in if this had to happen, that I still have steady income coming in from proofreading and then told me he’s actually happy for me to get an opportunity to find a place I really like again. Another reminder he’s a very good balance for my doomtastic ways.

I’m there until April 1st (Happy Fool’s Day to me!), and then I guess we’ll see what happens.


Forty-two February 13, 2011

Posted by Kimmothy in Experience, Fam Damily, Foodies, Holidays, Home Life.

Birthday reflections:

Ten years ago today when I turned 32, I was unaware that the year would bring separation from my husband, leaving my home to live like a nomad for several months and losing my dad. At least I was oblivious to all that on my actual birthday.

Twenty years ago today when I turned 22, I was in love with Delorme and making preparations to leave home and move with him to South Carolina. It was a heady time and several friends with birthdays near mine threw us a combined birthday party, in which I happily and drunkenly told a lot of people we were moving away.

Thirty years ago when I turned 12, I didn’t know it at the time, but that year would bring pivotal things like my first period and moving to Inverness, the small town where I spent the majority of my formative years – I started seventh grade there, graduated high school there was a slacker a couple of years post high school there and consider it to be my hometown, in the John Cougar Mellencamp sense.  

I don’t remember exactly what was happening the day I turned 2, but I’ve seen the pictures and it looked like it was fun, except for the singing of the Happy Birthday song to me, which always made me cry and I still do not enjoy to this day. The center of attention has never been where I want to be and that’s pretty much the epitome of it, besides walking down your wedding aisle but that’s so surreal it kind of puts the terror on the back burner for those few seconds.

Today we’ll be going out to lunch at a place called Country Buffet, which I enjoy mostly because of the self-explanatory name. His mom made me a cake, so we’ll go to their house to eat that (Her cakes are something I’ve tried to replicate for years and have failed – homemade icing, for hell’s sake) and then the rest of the day Brian said is whatever I want to do. It’s sunny and the high’s are getting into the mid-60’s, so even though I haven’t quite made up my mind yet, I’m sure it’s going to involve being outside a good bit.

He’s usually fairly deferential to me, but way moreso around my birthdays. Last night, I asked if we could go out to eat since Red Lobster is heavily promoting that Dinner for Two for $30 campaign and even though going out to dinner isn’t his favorite thing, I know the promise of seafood makes it more attractive to him. As we very slowly made our way through town, inching along in traffic and seeing all of the full-to-bursting parking lots at the chain restaurants, I realized with a sinking feeling a lot of people probably had the thought We’re out-smarting those suckers who are planning to eat out Monday night for Valentine’s Day. As we attempted to pull into the Red Lobster parking lot where there wasn’t an empty parking space in sight, he looked at me and said It’s up to you, baby. And right then, I glanced over to the restaraunt’s front door with the many people spilling out of it and pictured us waiting and literally felt my stomach growl and said No. He laughed with relief and we got the hell out of there and went to a fast food place that has great fries and were eating within fifteen minutes. I loved the fact he was willing to do whatever would make me happy, but I’m not a moron.

I’m ignorant as to what the next year will bring, but I’m hopeful as always good things will prevail.

Last of the ’10 Recaps, No Really January 10, 2011

Posted by Kimmothy in Experience, Lists, Meme.
1 comment so far

Because we’re getting an unexpected snow day tomorrow (which in reality sounds like it’s going to be more of a sleet day, but I’ll take it) and the sedative hasn’t kicked in yet, why not. Sundry and various other bloggers have posted this the past few years and I always enjoy reading them so here goes nothing.

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before? Lost twenty-ish pounds (mainly because I never needed to before, but regardless). Ate at Paula Deen’s restaurant (ironically during the weightloss period). Got paid for writing. Got paid for reading.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions and will you make more for this year? I tend to feel more comfortable with using “goals” as opposed to “resolutions” – more leeway that way. I’d say we definitely achieved some goals, mostly financial, but I’ve not really committed to anything specific for the coming year. Keep your expections low but keep trying anyway; that’s my motto.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Why, of course! In fact during the painful, not being able to get knocked up period of time, I had FOUR friends who weren’t really trying get pregnant and subsequently give birth this past year. God has a healthy sense of humor, is all I can figure.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Well, I wouldn’t necessarily consider them close to me but Brian’s family saw three untimely deaths which obviously did affect me. Here’s hoping that’s enough of that for a very long while.

5. What countries did you visit? None. And I’d venture a guess I won’t be visiting any this year either.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 you lacked in 2010? A late-model, reliable vehicle. And yes, still a kid.

7. What dates from 2010 will be etched upon your memory and why?
– February 12th: had a long snowfall which started late afternoon and lasted well into the night, giving me a winter wonderland for a little while on my birthday the following day.
– April 23rd: the last day I was able to use my car – Bessie was towed home from work where she mostly sat in the driveway minus a couple of attempts to revive her, until yesterday when I sold her.
– May 8th: While down in Orlando visiting mom & Sister, I was reunited (and it felt so good) with one of my oldest, dearest friends Shari, whom I hadn’t seen in over eight years.
– June 22nd: paid off Bessie which was bittersweet since she wasn’t exactly running at the time.
– August 15th: paid off the truck which was a lot more satisfying since it was. Of course a week or so later its radiator blew up and had to be replaced but it wouldn’t be our life if something like that didn’t happen.
– September 11th: saw Kid Rock for the 9th time a mile away at Fort Jackson. Got into a little girlfight, which should also be listed under things I’d never done before. Great night.
– October 3rd: in the early morning of the last day of a great weekend my friend Annette had come to visit, we got the phone call my sister-in-law had been killed.
– October 16th: during a beautiful weekend in upstate New York while visiting my favorite cousin and his family, Sister called me for the first time in months. I’m not sure why we hadn’t talked for so long but I hope we never go that long again.
– November 11th: Grace came to visit for a weekend where we got to spend quality time, just the two of us, together for the first time in a long time.
– December 14th: found out the bane of my existence at work, my boss, was no longer going to have any supervisory duties, making her my EX-boss.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I’d have to say the time, energy and sweat I put into losing the weight. Some of those 90 degree/110% humidity days were hell but I went out and walked in a lot of them and it felt like a big accomplishment every time I did it.

9. What was your biggest failure? The recurring not getting pregnant theme. Some people may not view this as a failure; I do.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing serious, thank God. Although I say this in all seriousness: 2011 is probably going to have to be the Year of the Colonoscopy. Because, pun intended, shit ain’t right.

11. What was the best thing you bought? This here computer machine I’m using to type this on right now.

12. Where did most of your money go? No question – the upkeep and paying off of the two vehicles.

13. What did you get really excited about? Finally seeing an ever-brightening light at the end of the long dark financial tunnel. We’re by no means completely out in the bright sunlight yet, but it continues to become more of a reality.

14. What song will always remind you of 2010? Unfortunately probably something really annoying I heard non-stop on the radio by Lady Gaga or that trashy girl with a dollar sign in her name.

15. Compared to this time last year are you:
– Happier or sadder? Most definitely happier
– Thinner or fatter? Most DEFINITELY thinner
– Richer or poorer? I’d never use “rich” and “me” in the same sentence, but we are definitely better off than we were a year ago

16. What do you wish you’d done more of? Kept in better contact with my mom, other family members and some friends.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of? Worry, but that would be my answer for any and every year.

18. How did you spend Christmas? We got our first Christmas Eve and morning to spend alone ever in the history of us and then spent the rest of the day traveling to various family of his to exchange gifts and eat.

19. What was your favorite TV program? Breaking Bad, Breaking Bad and did I mention Breaking Bad? Mad Men runs a close second.

20. What were your favorite books of the year? I just did a whole post on that but off the top of my head probably The Help by Kathryn Stockett.

21. Favorite music from the past year? I haven’t devoted enough time to listening to music lately to give a qualified answer and I plan to change that in the upcoming year because I just recently remembered music makes me really happy.

22. Favorite films of the year? Compared to what I used to watch I’ve been shamefully slacking in this department to but probably The Town.

23. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you? We rode around looking at snow, Brian took me on a shopping trip for books, perfume and make-up and we ate dinner at what became a favorite restaurant, Tokyo Grill. I was forty-fucking-one.

24. What one thing would’ve made your year immeasurably more satisfying? I’ll skip the obvious baby answer and go with more sex.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010? That hasn’t really changed since the early 90’s, but I will say this was the year I actively started putting more effort into my make-up and skincare routine. Your 40’s will do that to you.

26. What kept you sane? Exercise, my therapist and like every year, books.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010. Making a commitment and actually sticking to it actually can lead to positive results.

2010, It’s Been Real December 30, 2010

Posted by Kimmothy in Experience, Fam Damily, Health, Home Life, Life, Lists.

Yay, it’s still snowing on my blog! I don’t know how long that will last but I always enjoy it while it does.

It’s that week between Christmas and New Year’s where I always feel like I’m stuck in some kind of Twilight Zoneified limbo. The days feel like they’re oozing by, yet I know that hateful moment when the first alarm goes off to signify it’s back to work is going to be here before I know it, so I’m trying my hardest to make the most of what’s left of my freedom.

For the first time in a really long time I feel like the past year has been significantly good. In list form:
– We paid off both vehicles, two huge monkeys who had resided on our backs for way too long.
– We were able to upgrade our dinosaur of a desktop into two cute laptops and a printer that actually prints. I realize for most people that’s not much of an accomplishment but for us it felt like a technological epoch we jumped.
– I sweated and counted calories until almost twenty pounds came off my body; slowly and painfully, but they did come off. The holidays have put back about three of those pounds and I was at a stand-still before that but at least I know I can do it now and I’m motivated to keep going (after this weekend of course; I’m not a superhero – sheesh).
– Besides my usual trips to Florida (one driving, one flying), I made it to Savannah again (during which time I got to eat at Paula Deen’s restaurant thus achieving a big food goal) and up to New York for an awesome weekend with my favorite cousin. I do tend to somehow always end up somewhere along the eastern seaboard so maybe in the coming year I’ll make it a point to try to go west for once.
– Along with my day job and our foreclosure work, I landed a sweet side job (thanks to Sister) proof reading transcripts for her court reporting company. This is significant in that it let me achieve a life dream of actually reading for money which to me is amazing.

Unfortunately there were a few deaths in Brian’s family that were untimely and really sad: his 17-year-old cousin Justin who died of an accidental drug overdose, his mom’s cousin Keith who was 54 and whose house on the river we went to every summer for family reunions, and most shocking of all our sister-in-law Toni, whose death I’m still having a hard time understanding. She was 37 and her kids and husband are getting ripped off by not getting to have had her longer. Brian is there right now spending some time with his brother and the kids and I can’t imagine how they got through their first Christmas without her. But they did, because that’s what you do.

When we first found out about her, Brian grabbed me into a hug and said, “It just makes me want to be a better husband to you,” and I knew what he meant. It SUCKS, but what I’m trying to take from all of it is to appreciate and acknowledge our health and happiness. Because all the material things, the financial goals, whatever – none of it means anything compared to that.

Even the other day when we were riding around looking at the post-Christmas day snow (also in 2010 it snowed here twice – woo!), I said to him, “MAN I’m thankful I’m not blind so I can see this.” That sounds silly but it’s true. And I guess that’s my main resolution: to pause in the middle of a good moment like that and to recognize it as it’s happening.

It’s Hard to Hang Out in Crowds September 16, 2010

Posted by Kimmothy in Celebrities, Experience, Music.

Jim Beam & a disco ball; I mean come on

Saturday night I went to my eighth Kid Rock concert. A little excessive but there was no way I was passing up this show: September 11th, a tribute for the troops, held at Fort Jackson, the Army base whose entrance gate is .6 miles from my driveway. After all the miles I’ve traveled to see him this was a no-brainer. And though Delorme had told me he was also going wanted us to meet up, I kind of already had my mind made up I was going by myself. That’s a cool check-off for a bucket list: Attend concert alone. I’ve wanted to do it ever since I met a woman in 1994 at Woodstock who was there alone and traveling around the world after leaving her husband. The original Eat, Pray, Love lady, in my opinion and way cooler than Julia Roberts. /Digression

I know the type of audience he attracts: families, rednecks, bikers – and the average age always seems to be around my age or maybe even slightly older. I knew I’d be among my people. And I was for awhile. Knowing it was a general admission show, I obviously went hours ahead of time to secure a spot close to the stage. Once there I met an extremely nice lesbian couple and we were having a fine time. A seriously awesome moment occured when to our right, across the field, the troops all started to arrive in their camo, appearing from the distant horizon. As they were approaching, we all spontaneously stood up and applauded them. Chills all over my freaking body. This, I thought to myself, is how to spend September 11th.

I should’ve stayed right there, with Patty and Beth. But after the opening band started, I realized I wanted to be a little closer to the stage. Greedy bastard. I regretfully bid the ladies farewell and they told me they’d save my spot in case things got too rough. I was able to make my way closer, to the point I was probably twenty feet away. The crowd was packed tightly, but again I seemed to be surrounded by cool people.

The sun had set, there was finally a breeze blowing and a thin white curtain fell as they changed the stage set. To me, the most exciting part of a concert is that moment the performer(s) enter. After that there are highlights like when they sing your favorite songs or maybe some audience interaction or whatever, but nothing compares to that first sight of him. So that happened and it was great as always. People were shuffling around and the usual dancing and bouncing and all that – which is fine and to be expected. I was feeling a little claustrophobic, but that’s more due to my shortness than anything else and as long as I was able to look up and see him and breathe and repeat my mantra – I’m not in a mosh pit and I’m sober, I’m not in a mosh pit and I’m sober – I was okay.

Enter the girl. Drunky McStupid started pushing her way into our little group, trying to get in front of us. We had all decided nobody else was going to do that and did the whole linking arms thing to form a barricade. It had been successful up to that point, but this bitch wasn’t having it. Pushing and shoving, sloshing around the two cups of beer she was holding, I thought, Oh shit – here we go. Then I thought it’s a damn good thing Brian isn’t here, because he doesn’t like when I make scenes and I had a strong feeling I was about to make one.

The shoving was happening at regular intervals and finally after several verbal exchanges, I shoved back. All I could think was, Goddammit, either my necklace or my damn glasses are about to get broken. This bitch. I guess because I’m old, I didn’t want any of my personal effects to be a casuality of stupidity and whether that stupidity was from me being forty-one at a rock concert or some drunk asshole, it doesn’t matter. More insults were traded, fuck-you’s were bandied about and her beer breath and sweaty boobs were seriously invading my personal space. Then she pushed me and pulled my hair. I thought what a classic girl move that is – hair pulling. Then I guess something in me snapped, and I threw a punch. Luck, definitely not skill, was in play because it landed on her jaw. I don’t really know who was more shocked. We looked at each other and I had time to question whether or not I was about to get hit back, when a couple of people started clapping and some guy said I have a good right hook. Her friends dragged her off back into the crowd and for the next half hour I stood there, my heart pounding, sweating, shaking and thinking Oh my God, I just hit someone. I felt nauseous. But then also kind of good. When you’re like me, a non-confrontational, always apologizing for things whether they’re my fault or not, mild and WIMP, something like this is pretty big. I’m not exactly proud of myself, but I’m not completely ashamed either. I’m trying to look at it as a step in the right direction to a more assertive self, something I’ve struggled with my whole life. And hopefully I can achieve it without punching anyone else, but hey – sometimes you have to get your point across, you know?

That night I thought I was going to only knock one thing off my life list, but what do you know.

Insomna-blog September 11, 2010

Posted by Kimmothy in Experience, Life, Marriage, Music, The Man, World.
1 comment so far

I feel simultaneously amazed it’s already been nine years since September 2001 and also like it just happened. I guess that’s a fairly common thing. And selfishly, this anniversary always brings about other, more selfish feelings of unpleasantness, as it was September 12, 2001 the day I found out about Brian and the other woman. Last night during a bout of morbidness, I was thinking about whether or not Brian ever thinks about her (he’s human, so the answer to that would be yes) and when he does, what does he think about now about that whole thing. I still sometimes talk to the guy I passed my time with during our separation, but at this point there are no romantic feelings left, probably because I was never in love with him to begin with. It says a lot about Brian’s character that he’s aware of this and doesn’t seem bothered by it…although I’m sure it’s probably not his favorite either.

One of my friends said, But how would you feel if Brian still talked to HER? Well, okay – and this sounds like a lame justification but it’s different. He had a brief but intense relationship with her, whereas mine was more of a friendship that turned into something physical and that was mostly to help my damaged ego at the time. I never once considered ending my marriage to be with the other guy (I’ve had The Other Guy by the Little River Band in my head all week – coincidence, I think not), whereas Brian seriously entertained thoughts like that about her. Shudder.

The Redneck Couple friends of ours finally made it official with a divorce a few weeks ago (everyone who knows them is very relieved) and we were talking about it the other day. Once you bring lawyers into it and have the actual papers drawn up; well, that’s about as final as you can get. For months Nick tried his hardest to convince Sheri he’d change – stop drinking and smoking (tobacco and other substances), cajoled, threatened, plead his case to her mom and in a final stab of desperation got her name tattoo’d on his NECK. Sheri’s brother had the best comment about that: “Well THERE’S a perfect way to save a troubled marriage.” While Brian and I had some serious arguments and hurt feelings and crying marathons, we agreed the other day neither one of us ever came close to calling a lawyer. As messed up as everything was, I guess we both kind of knew if we rode it out for awhile we’d end up back together. Obviously that’s what happened, so in retrospect thank God.

It’s amazing the things you can remain intact through.

Today, nine years later, I can honestly say I would never have been able to picture back then. He’ll be waking up soon, singing and getting his freshly washed Gamecocks jersey on. Friends of his will be coming over this afternoon to watch the game with him and it’ll be his typical fun Saturday in Fall. I will be heading out later to drive a mere half mile to go see Kid Rock, who’s unbelievably playing a concert for the troops stationed here at Fort Jackson. So my day is going to be rather fun as well. It’s funny – my first ever blog post (on MYSPACE, my God) was about a Kid concert I’d just seen. I think that had been the fourth time I’d seen him and this is the eighth. Hi, I’m a well-adjusted super mature adult.

Those old scars will never fully heal, but maybe they’re not supposed to. If they serve to just remind me how grateful I am that we survived something like that, well good.

Things & Stuff August 26, 2010

Posted by Kimmothy in Books, Experience, Home Life, Uncategorized.

Just add salt

Besides a plethora of peppers, this here is the only successful thing that came out of the small garden we planted in June.

I hate when I randomly come across an amazing book that I think no one has heard of and then soon after I finish reading it, find out they’re making a movie out of it. This has happened to me a few times, most recently being a few of years ago with I Love You Beth Cooper by Larry Doyle and then again this week with Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You by Peter Cameron. Because I’ve lived for awhile now and I know from experience as much as I loved the book, I will exponentially HATE the movie. Maybe if I could be in charge of casting these movies I wouldn’t have such a sourpuss attitude about it but that’s highly unlikely, therefore the list of movies I’ll never see continues to grow. Weirdly both of those examples fall under the YA category, but that’s just coincidence.

The other day we were on our way to a funeral (Brian’s mother’s family has lost two members unexpectedly in the past month – very strange) and we stopped to fill up on gas. As per usual, he pumped while I went inside to stock up on the road trip essentials. The clerk in this particular store is a somewhat intimidating looking girl but is usually pleasant, despite her habit of constantly talking loudly on her cell phone which takes precedence over any customer service she needs to perform. On this day however, things were to be very different. As I was picking through the individual Jolly Rancher bin to get as many sour apples as possible, she started talking to me. And talking. Talking to the point that I’d already paid for everything and saw out of the corner of my eye Brian had pulled up to the front door and all I could think to do was keep subtly inching toward the door as I waited for there to be a break in the conversation where I could tactfully say bye. I started to feel as though it was a comedy sketch or maybe someone was trying to revive the show Punk’d. Without any prompting or encouragement from me I learned about her son, her son’s father who she’s not together with right now but he loves her and they’re trying to work things out but he found out she had a Facebook page he didn’t know about, but that’s only because she sells t-shirts and had forgotten she made the page and how he always looks for something to be mad at her for, but that he had just sent her a text calling her Goober which she thinks was meant to be funny but isn’t sure because she calls her fifteen-year-old cousin that and, and, and…By the time I made it outside and got into the truck, Brian, phone in hand, said “I wasn’t sure if I should call the police because I thought for sure the store was being robbed, but then I saw two customers walk out.” All I can think now is amphetamines are a hell of a drug.

(I’m obviously) On the look-out for any miniscule signs of Autumn and this is what I’ve found so far:
– Halloween t-shirts at Target
– Every so often we’ll hear a very loud, sudden noise which scares the shit out of us but also makes me happy because it means the hickory nut tree is dropping its nuts (ha) onto our metal porch roof
– Also I’m starting to find acorns to step on during my walks
– Even though I’m starting my walks around the same time as always it’s now a lot darker by the time I’m done
– The stupid long pre-season football is annoying, but that music, duh-duh-duh-DUH…DUH-DUH-DUH-DUHHHHH…always strikes excitement in my heart
– I dyed my hair back to its best incarnation of violet red and as soon as the new color was revealed post-drying and straightening, all was immediately right with the world.

Always Something There to Remind Me June 16, 2010

Posted by Kimmothy in Experience, Health, Nail Biter, Tee Vee, Uncategorized.

Every once in awhile I’ll see (or hear or smell) something that unpleasantly transports me back to the time when I  was ingesting substances more than food. I’m not surprised by the flashback phenomenon itself, but I’m still somewhat taken aback every time it happens and the ick factor is always still there.

Last night on the fishing show Deadliest Catch, one of the fishermen’s sons was acting a little strangely throughout the show until the very end when the kid gets caught by his dad breaking into dad’s pill stash. Dad, who didn’t have a very good temper on the best of days, blows his stack, screaming at his son and calling him a thief and a liar, saying he never wants to see him again…until the son, pale-faced and shaking, whispers into his dad’s ear that he’s sorry, he’s sick and he’s an addict. That was all it took to stop dad in his tracks and his anger was immediately replaced by what looked like a resigned exhaustion.

Whoof, was that hard to watch.

This is not one of those reality shows that spends an hour showing people trying to outdo each other in assholery and made-up drama. The type of job they do and the conditions they do it in provide all the drama any good TV show could ever ask for. Obviously no one is immune to addiction, but for someone like this to admit to having a drug problem has a lot more impact than say, one of the Real Housewives. I guess what I’m trying to say is it felt more real. To me, anyway.

After the shock, the scene hit me a few different ways. The first thing was imagining what it would be like to suffer withdrawals out on a boat in the middle of nowhere, hundreds of miles from any help. I think I’ve tried to describe opiate withdrawal before and I say again, no words I have can ever accurately explain what it’s like. As Jake was crying and saying over and over, “I’m sick, you don’t understand,” I thought, Oh my hell. People who don’t know might think, wow – stealing pills from your dad who’s in poor health and suffering from extreme back pain? That’s pretty low, dude. No. You have no idea.

If I had to take a guess at what happened, I’d say the little dude has probably been dabbling for awhile and had most likely gotten to the point – maybe stemming from an injury – of being prescribed his own meds. Happens all the time. He’s only in his mid-twenties, but has probably suffered more on-the-job injuries than most of us could rack up in a lifetime. So okay, taking pills regularly. And then once in awhile popping a couple in-between the prescribed times. Slowly, without even realizing it, you feel much better and everything is so much more pleasant and easy to deal with after using whether you’re in pain at the time or not.

They go out to sea sometimes for weeks at a time. I’m guessing he either didn’t plan his drug supply accordingly, they stayed out longer than what he anticipated and if he hadn’t yet tried to kick pills, he had no idea what he was in for when the drugs left his system. When that happens? Desperation doesn’t begin to cover it. I’m sure he did not take his dad’s medication for the fun of it, and maybe not even to get high – at that point your body has taken over and is in total control. Ethics? Morals? Right and wrong? Fuck that – your body is telling your brain to FIX IT.

The look of pure shame when his dad was yelling at him hit me square in the gut. Having to keep something like that to yourself until the time comes when you have no choice but to admit it to your loved one – oh I remember that conversation with Brian like it was yesterday. I probably shouldn’t have told him “I need to talk to you after work tonight,” in the tone of voice I did, because when you’ve had the kind of shit happen we have, he was figuring I was going to tell him there was someone else or something equally as pleasant. Which actually turned out better because he was almost relieved when I told him I need to fix my problem. (“Oh, it’s just drugs? Sure, we can deal with that!”)Unfortunately in the time between when that episode was filmed and now, the father has passed away. My dad’s passing was one of the big catalysts that kicked my habit into high gear. I hope there’s someone else he’s close with who can be a source of support and caring as much as Brian did for me. I also ope wherever he is in the process, that he’s seen the worst of it. My heart goes out to anyone who’s ever had to fight this.

Parking Violation June 4, 2010

Posted by Kimmothy in Experience, Life, Shopping, Uncategorized, Walmart.

Scene (Exterior): Target parking lot, the Tuesday after Memorial Day, approximately 11:40am. Our heroine (you know…me…) has just parked her husband’s truck and has begun the short journey into the store, happily anticipating the typical anti-Walmart experience: cleanliness, good lighting, and most of all, the friendly employees who don’t act as though serving their customers is akin to severe pain. But then, from near distance in the peaceful quiet morning comes a loud, croak-like voice.

Toad Lady: “Hey! Hey you, girl with the red hair!”

Me: (At first thinking that can’t be me; I just dyed my hair back to brown)(Then slowly realizing, damn she probably does mean me – the dye job did turn out really shitty) Turning around, she sees the source of the voice and asks “Yes?”

TL: “You need to move your truck up some – I can’t fit into this parking spot.” (She is driving a rolling cliche’, an old, beat-up Honda Accord, circa 1990 or maybe older)

Me: (Quickly scans the parking lot and notices many empty parking spaces, in fact a virtual plethura of choices, but okay) “Ma’am, your car can fit; if you want I’ll guide you in and let you know when to stop.”

TL: “No; I think you need to move your truck.”

Me: (Starting to laugh) “Um…no, I don’t think so. Your car can easily fit into the spot or even better, go park somewhere else.”

TL: “Bitch.” (Proceeds then to pull forward slowly until she lightly taps the hitch on the back bumper)

Me: (Laughing even harder) And in a total assholey condescending tone, “See there; you did it!” (Turns back around and walks into store, muttering to myself)

End scene.


– You know when you have someone acts like an asshole to you and you can’t think of any good comebacks until three days later and then hate yourself ? I think this might be the first time I had the balls to pretty much say exactly what I wanted to say in the moment. High five.

– This is exactly the sort of behavior I expect at my friendly neighborhood Walmart; I’ve never had any unpleasantness at Target. Any Target, anywhere. This is why I sometimes choose Target, even though I know I’m going to end up paying a few dollars more for things like dishwashing soap and cotton balls. Because everyone is happy at Target. Usually.

– This is the South; the part of the country with the reputation for the sweet accents and tea and hospitality. This behavior, while completely understandable somewhere say, like, Brooklyn, is unacceptable here. GODDAMMIT, WHAT HAPPENED TO COMMON COURTESY!?!

– I think that might be the second time in my life someone has called me a bitch. Someone who doesn’t know me that is – haha!

– This was meant in no offense to Hondas or their owners; I think they are a fine company who makes nice vehicles and  I’d love to have a CRV. It just so happened this crazy bitch was driving one.

– This whole ugly incident can be traced back to the fact I still don’t have my car fixed. In fact today marks the six week anniversary of the day it caught a ride home on a tow truck. See how everything goes along smoothly for awhile financially and then one leetle bitty thing happens and we get fucked all over again? It’s SO FUNNY!

– The store didn’t have Brian’s brand of deoderant nor the dog food I usually buy that had been on sale. Normally I appreciate a good irony story. Not this time.