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Always Something There to Remind Me June 16, 2010

Posted by Kimmothy in Experience, Health, Nail Biter, Tee Vee, Uncategorized.

Every once in awhile I’ll see (or hear or smell) something that unpleasantly transports me back to the time when I  was ingesting substances more than food. I’m not surprised by the flashback phenomenon itself, but I’m still somewhat taken aback every time it happens and the ick factor is always still there.

Last night on the fishing show Deadliest Catch, one of the fishermen’s sons was acting a little strangely throughout the show until the very end when the kid gets caught by his dad breaking into dad’s pill stash. Dad, who didn’t have a very good temper on the best of days, blows his stack, screaming at his son and calling him a thief and a liar, saying he never wants to see him again…until the son, pale-faced and shaking, whispers into his dad’s ear that he’s sorry, he’s sick and he’s an addict. That was all it took to stop dad in his tracks and his anger was immediately replaced by what looked like a resigned exhaustion.

Whoof, was that hard to watch.

This is not one of those reality shows that spends an hour showing people trying to outdo each other in assholery and made-up drama. The type of job they do and the conditions they do it in provide all the drama any good TV show could ever ask for. Obviously no one is immune to addiction, but for someone like this to admit to having a drug problem has a lot more impact than say, one of the Real Housewives. I guess what I’m trying to say is it felt more real. To me, anyway.

After the shock, the scene hit me a few different ways. The first thing was imagining what it would be like to suffer withdrawals out on a boat in the middle of nowhere, hundreds of miles from any help. I think I’ve tried to describe opiate withdrawal before and I say again, no words I have can ever accurately explain what it’s like. As Jake was crying and saying over and over, “I’m sick, you don’t understand,” I thought, Oh my hell. People who don’t know might think, wow – stealing pills from your dad who’s in poor health and suffering from extreme back pain? That’s pretty low, dude. No. You have no idea.

If I had to take a guess at what happened, I’d say the little dude has probably been dabbling for awhile and had most likely gotten to the point – maybe stemming from an injury – of being prescribed his own meds. Happens all the time. He’s only in his mid-twenties, but has probably suffered more on-the-job injuries than most of us could rack up in a lifetime. So okay, taking pills regularly. And then once in awhile popping a couple in-between the prescribed times. Slowly, without even realizing it, you feel much better and everything is so much more pleasant and easy to deal with after using whether you’re in pain at the time or not.

They go out to sea sometimes for weeks at a time. I’m guessing he either didn’t plan his drug supply accordingly, they stayed out longer than what he anticipated and if he hadn’t yet tried to kick pills, he had no idea what he was in for when the drugs left his system. When that happens? Desperation doesn’t begin to cover it. I’m sure he did not take his dad’s medication for the fun of it, and maybe not even to get high – at that point your body has taken over and is in total control. Ethics? Morals? Right and wrong? Fuck that – your body is telling your brain to FIX IT.

The look of pure shame when his dad was yelling at him hit me square in the gut. Having to keep something like that to yourself until the time comes when you have no choice but to admit it to your loved one – oh I remember that conversation with Brian like it was yesterday. I probably shouldn’t have told him “I need to talk to you after work tonight,” in the tone of voice I did, because when you’ve had the kind of shit happen we have, he was figuring I was going to tell him there was someone else or something equally as pleasant. Which actually turned out better because he was almost relieved when I told him I need to fix my problem. (“Oh, it’s just drugs? Sure, we can deal with that!”)Unfortunately in the time between when that episode was filmed and now, the father has passed away. My dad’s passing was one of the big catalysts that kicked my habit into high gear. I hope there’s someone else he’s close with who can be a source of support and caring as much as Brian did for me. I also ope wherever he is in the process, that he’s seen the worst of it. My heart goes out to anyone who’s ever had to fight this.


Step Away from the Television June 23, 2009

Posted by Kimmothy in Tee Vee, Whatever, World, Youth.

I’ll keep it brief, I promise, but here are a couple of Lessons I’ve Learned from Jon & Kate:

1. As tempting as it may be to sell out your family’s privacy for a reality TV show, don’t do it.

2. If you feel a need to verbally castrate your husband, don’t do it in front of a national audience. Repeatedly. For four years.

3. If you feel a need to verbally castrate your husband at all, you maybe shouldn’t be married to him.

4. If your husband tells you he’s not happy, believe him. Seriously. If you don’t, the next thing you know there will be pictures of him on the front of US Weekly partying in bars with women who aren’t you.

5. Never, I repeat NEVER get a haircut like that.

Besides that trainwreck last night, I also decided it would be a great idea to watch this MTV show. I know – I think I was trying to see how many IQ points I could subtract off of my total number. This is what happens when Brian isn’t home at night and I have nobody but the dog to witness this embarrassing choice of viewing. Anyway, it was this docu-style, “reality” type drama, set at a college in Madison, Wisconsin where five or six college freshman film themselves with shaky, jerky cameras and narrate what’s going on to capture the “college experience.”

The worst part is I can’t even claim to have watched it by accident, as it was on the MTV On Demand channel, so I actually had to push several buttons on the remote to see it. And I watched almost three full episodes before I snapped out of my mouth-breathing, zoned out trance, punched myself in the face and turned it off in disgust. Not disgust for them, for myself. No, the kids on that show pretty much embody everything I picture a college freshman to be these days. One dude got a $2400 tattoo, even though his sister reminded him their mom “makes necklaces” in order to pay for him to be in school. Another one got kicked out of his dorm room (not clear about the reason) after his mom had sent the $6000 housing payment and ended up getting an apartment with two 21-year-olds – you know, for the sweet partying opportunities. 

It was…not shocking. Really the only thing that sort of bothered me was how much the girls lived up to the slutty college girl stereotype. I understand that the average 18-year-old female and I have a very different set of sexual ethics, but even when I was that age I never acted like I was being filmed for Girls Gone Wild. I’m not claiming by any means to be morally superior; I’ve done my share of cringe-worthy things. But damn. Seeing how these girls acted during Spring Break – dude, I LIVED there. I’ve done the Daytona Beach thing many times and yeah, that included getting drunk and having sex. But I always knew the first and last name of the person I was having sex with and I never lost any blocks of time due to blackouts. They just act like they have it all together; they know what the hell they’re doing…and, wow do I sound old right now. Get off my lawn you little troublemakers!

This is why I don’t watch a lot of TV, especially in the Summertime. But I am excited for tonight – he has to work late again, so I’ll totally get to watch Paris Hilton’s My New BFF! Ha. Not really. He didn’t get home until 11:00 last night and we stayed up until 1:00 just so we could catch up with each other which sucked ass, so tonight I’m going over to where they’re working so I can be his tile apprentice. Or be their errand girl. Or try to build some brain cells back up by reading a book. Whatever; it doesn’t matter.  

I’m a little nervous about the consultation appointment with Dr. Fertility Thursday, but I’m doing my best not to dwell on it too much. There will be plenty of time for worrying when I can’t sleep Wednesday night. Wow, planning ahead for worrying. That has to be really healthy.

"Reality" is the new reality May 14, 2009

Posted by Kimmothy in Books, Exercise, Home Life, Tee Vee.


I don’t know how it got to be Thursday already, but I damn sure ain’t complaining. But I decided it would behoove me to work the next few Fridays in hopes of maybe digging myself out from under this steaming pile of work that is currently ruling my life. So while I am glad it’s Thursday, it’s not like I’m rubbing it in that it’s the last day of my work week like I normally would.

And it’s a Special Thursday too – the finales of all my Must See TV shows are tonight! And here’s something weird I’ve been noticing lately. Besides these shows – Earl, The Office and 30 Rock, I don’t think I watch any other sitcoms anymore. Very weird, considering that has pretty much been my favorite genre for the entirety of my TV watching career. Oh sure; throw a good drama in there for good measure, but not anymore. Now it’s all turning into “reality” shows. Heavy emphasis on the quotation marks, obviously. I think maybe Deadliest Catch started it for me, but now pretty much if you’re a “documentary” style show on Bravo, A&E, TLC or Discovery, I’m your bitch and you are my everything. We even started watching this show called The Exterminators, starring a family that owns the business and all it shows is them going on service calls, with a juicy little family drama thrown in. I mean, come on! BUT I LOVE IT.

It’s a good thing I read or else I might have to worry about my brains leaking out of my ears from lack of stimulation.

Speaking of, a co-worker and I were discussing books this morning; she’s been my book buddy for a few months now. Someone else joined the conversation and then someone else. We started comparing what we’re reading right now and one asked if I’d share any good suggestions – actually we all promised to share. Someone mentioned the possibility of starting a book club. Be still my cold black heart. The thought of sitting around talking about books makes me almost as excited as actually reading books. Strangely I’ve never been in a book club before. Oprah’s Book Club doesn’t count, ha-ha, especially since its very existence offends me. You may like it; many people do and that’s cool – I do not. But that’s okay; you say potato, I say vodka; it’s what makes the world go round.

Exercising in the morning is going okay so far, but something’s been stopping me from walking the neighborhood and I’m not sure what it is since that’s one of my favorite activities. It’s light enough outside by 6:30 now, but I don’t know, it just seems…weird. Too quiet? I don’t know. I see plenty of dog walkers walking by that early so I just need to leash up the beast and stop being a little bitch about it. It’s not getting any freaking cooler, that’s for sure. One thing I’ve noticed already, and Laura also brought it up – exercise in the morning? Makes my belleh HONGRAY. I went today and bought yogurt and granola bars so at least I’ll be a little more prepared – or else by lunchtime I am ready to eat the state capital building and that kind of defeats the purpose of exercising.