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I fought the law of gravity and I didn’t win May 9, 2009

Posted by Kimmothy in Baby-Making, Home Life, Pets.

Who knew procreation could be so dangerous?

Yesterday we went and had the third (and final) IUI. Being old pros by now, the nurse pretty much told us afterwards, you guys know the deal – but don’t forget intercourse tonight or tomorrow can only help. Considering I’d just been shot full of the same stuff Manny Ramirez just got in trouble for (Who knew Hcg can both kickstart ovulation and also help prevent revealing steroid use?) (Well, I guess Manny knew that but I didn’t), I was more than happy to follow doctors’ orders this morning.

Fastforward to post-coitus. Brian gets up and leaves the room, headed toward the bathroom.

Well, first some backstory that will hopefully help justify my idiocy a little: After the IUI, while you’re sitting in this neat dentist-type chair, they pull out a little section at the bottom of the chair that tilts your pelvis back and you lay like that for 15 minutes while your husband talks to you about doing a spreadsheet for him to help him with starting his new job next week. Or at least that’s the way it works for me. You also send up a little prayer, going “Please, God – really. This time, really let those swimmers find the right place; just one out of the 251 million would be great.” And then you get up, pay a bunch of money, drive two hours home and sleep the rest of the day.

Anyway, this morning. We attempt making a baby the old fashioned way and after the polite amount of time, Brian leaves the room. Sidebar: I know there are people who do the whole cuddling and/or romantic stuff after sex, but maybe those people haven’t been together for a decade or more? Me, I’m ready to move on to the next thing (usually getting a glass of water) and I’m glad he is too.

But today I decided to put forth some extra effort and figured if medical professionals suggest propping my tweeter up in the air, wouldn’t a handstand would be even better? Sure it would! Sorry to be so graphic, but this was the scene: me, wearing a t-shirt and nothing else. I prop up on my hands at the headboard and somehow swing my legs up and balance my feet against the wall. And here was my mistake. Totally forgetting to take into account the dog and how very interested he always is with whatever I’m doing. I barely got into position when he quickly leaped onto the bed and started licking my face and up my nose. I couldn’t yell at him because of how hard I was laughing and before I knew what was happening, I lost my balance, heard a loud cracking noise and me, the dog and the front portion of the bed went crashing to the floor.

Brian from the other end of the house: “What the hell was that?”
Me: “I just broke the bed.”
Dog: *Flies to the other end of the room and stares at me while tilting his head inquisitively*

Brian’s pretty sure he can fix the bed, but he’s asked that no matter what happens with me getting pregnant, from now on I only practice gymnastics outside.


Equinox Fever March 18, 2009

Posted by Kimmothy in Home Life, Moods, Pets, Weather, Whatever.

I’m feeling a little…restless, I guess is the best word for it. I just read this:
“The Vernal Equinox is one of two days in the year in which the tilt of the Earth’s axis is inclined neither away from nor toward the sun, which is vertically above a point on the equator.” Translation: it’s SPRING, bitches! And man, do I have the fevah. It’s bad. I have a shit-ton of work to do, yet here I am doing this instead. Taking a thirty-minute break to run around the campus. Socializing with co-workers I normally try to avoid, just to put off working. And I know there are other obvious reasons for this impatience, but regardless of the whys, it’s been a real challenge to restrain myself from running screaming out of here (Yes Heather, and Yabba Dabba Dooing while I’m at it) and it’s been like this for the past two weeks or so, progressively getting much worse after the five-day monsoon finally ended.

Everybody seems to be talking about the perfect weather they’re having (except Florida people who say it’s already in the high 80’s which is a joke but that’s why I don’t live there anymore) and here is no different. Being able to walk around the neighborhood in jeans and a t-shirt in the evening; that’s gone a long way toward calming my nerves, which seem to get worse at night, as always. Mornings, though? Are great. I bounce out of bed most times without even the benefit of the alarm clock and God knows that doesn’t happen very often.

I’m having these weird urges…to dust off the golf clubs and go play at that cheap par three course we used to go to all the time. To go to Lowe’s and spend a bunch of money we don’t have on more flowers and plants and garden stuff. To go to the zoo. To keep the doors open as much as possible and wash everything inside the house with something citrus scented. I want to take our leaf blower and get rid of all the brown rotting pieces of shit leaves that are covering the yard and pissing me off with their dirty wet shittiness. What the hell, leaves. Nobody wanted you around after the third week in November when you fell anyway, you pains in the ass.

Most of the rest of the year it doesn’t bother me I work inside at a desk four days a week. That is not the case right now. Now is when I regret not fulfilling my true destiny as a groupie for Motley Crue. It’s probably a really good and healthy thing I’m taking a road trip soon. My head is about to explode, but on the plus side if it really did do that right now I’m sure glitter and rainbows would come flying out. Maybe a Broadway musical or two.

Totally off topic, a tip from my home to yours: Don’t ever let the dog clean your plate of corned beef and cabbage. I admit it was a rookie mistake, but one that I will never make again. Though like Heather pointed out, it wasn’t the dog’s fault, but the living room smelled like hot garbage nonetheless. I had to stop Brian from emptying out an entire can of Oust directly onto the dog’s ass. Sorry for the foulness right around lunchtime but I’m only trying to help.

But, okay. Back to work. Right after I take another little jaunt to somewhere other than here.

If Summer has the dog days (which make me feel the opposite of how I’m feeling right now), Spring should have puppy days – bouncy, happy, frolicking puppy days.

Interim February 10, 2009

Posted by Kimmothy in Fam Damily, Friends, Home Life, Pets, Whatever.

Between getting rip-roaring drunk Saturday night, my beautiful yellow doggie sustaining a semi-major injury while under the care of Brian’s parents and work being extremely hectic, I feel sad that I haven’t posted anything for a few days. I’m hoping to be able to do so later today, mayhaps during my lunch break.

In the meantime, here’s something to ponder.

My sister-in-law has invited me to one of those sex toy parties she’s throwing next week. She told me I could bring however many friends I want and so far two people have agreed and one person has said yes tentatively. Other than that, her friends and her sister’s friends will be there. I’ve met some of these women and they’re what you’d consider your typical prim and proper southern women. I’m mostly going out of complete curiousity to see how these women act when they get a little sparkling wine in them and are presented with plastic and rubber things that vibrate. If only I could get away with taking pictures, I totally would, but I don’t see that happening. At all. Of course I’ll report on everything as best I can without photographic evidence. This should be interesting.

I hope everyone’s week is fabu so far.

Scenes from a southern Christmas December 24, 2008

Posted by Kimmothy in Cooking, Holidays, Home Life, Pets, Photoblog, Shopping, The Man.

I haven’t done a photo post in awhile and since I have a ton of stuff to do, what better way to procrastinate than upload a bunch of pictures and write about them? Giddyup!

That was the moon the other night. If I had a better camera, the picture would show the skeletal branches of the hickory tree in our front yard that the moon was peeking through and the creepy slivery clouds scudding by. It felt cold enough to snow and looked like it should snow, but no.

Our annual game of Please Wear The Antlers For One Fucking Second So I Can Take A Picture.

The massive tree in the middle of the Village where we went shopping yesterday. It’s no Rockefeller Center, but it’s not too shabby.

He looks pissed. He wasn’t. I just asked if he had fun shopping with me yesterday and he said “It was the least pain-in-the-ass and most fun Christmas shopping I’ve ever done.”

I TOLD you I had a thing for lamp posts! And ones decorated for Christmas? Be still my heart! One day I hope to own my own.

I’m about to turn all this into a pie. My cousin just freaked out and scolded me for using storebought crusts and I told her to suck it. I’m under enough pressure as it is to make a decent filling – I’m going to attempt my first crust as well? I don’t think so.

Oral fixation tools for quitting the damn cigarettes. Brian suggested one more oral tool I could use anytime I wanted.

SOME people ENJOY wearing antlers, you stupid animal!

This one is similar to the one I used in our Christmas cards this year except a miracle happened and in the good picture, the dog was actually looking at the camera with his head tilted all cute. Which was because of the beeper on the camera’s self timer. Once the excitement of the beeping wore off, the rest of the pictures looked like this.

One last side note: Ten years ago tonight the dude in that picture above asked me to marry him. I said yes. We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into that night, but here we are ten years later, still hanging out together and making each other laugh every day. I think it was a good decision.

If I don’t talk with you between now and tomorrow, I hope everybody has an amazing Christmas with tons of love, laughter, food and fun.

If you ever doubted my love for dogs, this should clear it up November 29, 2008

Posted by Kimmothy in Pets.

Seven and a half years ago, Fate gifted us with that little fuzzball above. We found him locked inside a hot van, starving, panting and barely hanging on. I pulled him out because he couldn’t walk on his own, handed him to Brian who took him straight to the closest vet. He told him had we not taken the quick action we did, he surely wouldn’t have lived another few hours. They took x-rays and found rocks in his stomach, something dogs apparently will eat by instinct in order to get any minerals they can when they’re starving.

That picture above was taken shortly after he returned from the vet’s office, Brian had given him a sink bath and we fed him his first puppy food. He walked around with that dish in his mouth for the next few days, not wanting to miss out on this new wonderful kibble stuff. That night we took him to dinner with us at Dairy Queen and while eating outside on a picnic table, he stood guard in front of us and barked his little tough puppy bark at every stranger who walked by. I watched Brian fall in love with him at that exact moment. We thought to make him a little next by our bed that night, but he cried until we brought him into the bed between us, where he contentedly sighed and fell asleep immediately. He’s rarely been very far from either one of us since then.

I’m not totally against getting a pet from a pet store or a breeder. I think all dogs deserve good homes. But to rescue a dog from a sad bad situation creates a bond like no other. I’ve never experienced more love and loyalty from another dog in my life. True, it can get annoying when we’re home and trying to get things done, such as cleaning and putting up Christmas decorations. When I walk back to the bathroom to pee, seconds later he is trotting purposefully down the hall after me to stand in front of me on the toilet so I can give him a quick butt scratch. He dutifully followed me from room to room yesterday until I finally sat down on the couch to read, and then he jumped up next to me, dug a little nest out of the throw blanket and settled in with his head resting on my knee, sighing with relief our chores were done for the day.

Today when our guests arrive, he’ll be on level orange alert, making sure no one gets too close to us at any point throughout the day. He will not be able to relax until they’re all gone.

If it was up to him, neither one of us would ever leave the house. Well unless he’s riding along, sitting with proud posture between us in the truck. He cares not where we’re going; the point being we’re going there together.

Every day with him is a happy lucky day. Every day he finds a way to make us laugh. Our life is fuller because of him. Someday should I ever have the necessary means, I will do whatever I can to make life as good for as many of these creatures I possibly can. I will be the Mia Farrow and Angelina Jolie of the kanine world. They are among the best examples I’ve seen of God’s good ideas.