jump to navigation

Badiversary September 12, 2011

Posted by Kimmothy in Marriage.
trackback

Ten years ago nowish, at approximately 5:30pm EST, I learned the very upsetting news my husband was having an affair. The subject has been extensively written about and examined, both here and everywhere else, but with all the fanfare surrounding the ten year anniversary of 911, this has been on my mind a lot more than usual over the past week or so. A decade is one of those substantial markers, where you say It’s hard to believe it’s been ten years already.

Ten years ago tonight I sat in frozen horror, not by what was going on in the background on TV, but what was happening in my living room. To find out your spouse is having sex with someone else is one thing; to find out he’s sad, embarrassed, ashamed but not ready to stop is an entirely different thing altogether. That forces you to think things like the life you’d planned for is over and it’s time to form a new plan. To think about being *that* couple; the one who lived happily together for years, got married and didn’t make it past their second anniversary. Breaking it to parents and friends. Who would get custody of the way-too-loved dog. All those thoughts went through my head that night but I remember the one that upset me the most was how the national tragedy was causing loved ones to draw closer together but how all of a sudden I felt utterly alone. Also how I felt like an asshole for having such a trite, assinine problem in the face of what so many other people were dealing with that day. Guilt never leaves me for very long.

It’s not productive to dwell too much on things like that, or healthy. But I wish I could let my 31-year-old self know that night what would be happening on the night ten years from then. How the still-too-much-loved dog and I would greet the husband on the front porch with kisses as he arrived home from work with candy and a flower for me (it’s sort of a twisted joke he brings me a present every September 12th), how we stood in the yard while he threw the dog’s tennis ball talking about how our days went. The boxes in every room that we’re packing every day to move soon into the house I’ve always dreamed of living in. Together. Happy.

I’m always a cautious happy, because that’s me. But on that night when I wondered if I’d ever be able to be in any way happy again, it makes me really thankful to be where we are tonight, doing nothing special but doing it together.

Advertisements

Comments»

1. iamheatherjo - September 12, 2011

I have my own Badiversary coming up and I understand how you felt like an asshole having the feelings about your life when everything so huge was happing around you. I felt guilty for grieving for what had happened in my little life when the whole world was grieving for so much more.

I’m glad you weathered the storm and that you are still together and going to be living in a place where you’ve always wanted to live. You deserve every single happiness that comes your way. You know that.

2. Tiffany - September 13, 2011

Badiversarys suck. I’m glad yours has a happy ending!!! xoxo


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: