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Pissin’ Cousins February 3, 2011

Posted by Kimmothy in Fam Damily.

To help mend the forlorn heart I have this evening due to the absence of the man, I deemed tonight Clean Sheet Night, my thinking being I’ll actually get three nights of fresh linens out of it, since he won’t be home until Saturday and somehow things in general just remain fresher in the absence of maleness. Fresher, cleaner, quieter. Of course I’ll miss him, that goes without saying. Once I get a chance to, that is. We just got off the phone after a long gossipy talk about his family.

Of all the stereotypical Facebook “friends” I have, you know – the slut from high school who now spouts Bible verses as status updates, the ex-boyfriend who tries to slip in passive-aggressive “jokes” about times between us I no longer even remember, the completely unimaginitive acquaintance who posts nothing but famous quotes in the attempt to make themselves sound deep – there’s one person right now who at once makes my blood boil in anger and whom I can’t  tear myself from due to my morbidly curious and self-punishing tendencies. If there was a way for me to profit from her stupidity and ignorance, I hate to admit it, but I’d do it. I’m thinking recurring guest character on a TBS sit-com? She would fit the bill to a T. 

I accepted her friend request after one of Brian’s family reunions last summer. She’s a first cousin of his and though they don’t live very far away, we rarely see her or this sect of the family. And though most of his family are your typical eccentric southern characters, this group is kind of the Big Lots Discount Store version of the rest of the family. In fact, they did not make the cut as guests to our wedding, when Brian vetoed saying, No; I don’t want your family meeting them – they look like something out of Mad Magazine. His words not mine, though I saw the resemblence immediately. And I’ll be the first to tell you – my family isn’t without its humiliating components by any means and we both acknowledge the weirdos on both sides, to keep things fair.

But this girl, MAN she’s been getting to me. The simple solution would be to hide her status updates but you know – where would be the fun in that? I check in on her illiterate drama daily, if only to feel better about my education level and life in general. 

She and her husband have been together since she was fourteen, so roughly twenty years. Knocked up at fifteen, she went on to bear him four children. At the time of the reunion, I silently congratulated them on beating the odds and staying together all this time, happily even, because seriously that is impressive.

This past fall he was deployed to Iraq for a year and not long after she’d posted patriotic pictures of their family with the American flag and him tearfully hugging them all good-bye, the “I miss my man” posts started. Okay, understandable. Totally. And despite her daily list of complaints about the kids, her many ailments, vague threats to whoever pissed her off that day, still things weren’t too bad. Until about a month ago.

Out of nowhere, suddenly here comes hateful messages to “that cheating dick and his homewrecker,” along with pictures of a woman who apparently is not only serving her duty in Iraq as well but apparently also servicing Kevin. Is there actual proof of any messing around on his part? No, but that doesn’t stop her. Does she provide him a forum on which he gets to defend himself? Certainly not publicly which is strange considering she has no problem sharing every other detail of this sordid tale. No, she’s made her mind up and without giving any benefit of doubt or rational thought whatsoever, she’s now posting songs like the Eminem/Rhianna Beat Me Up Watch Me Burn song, Single Ladies and Dirty Diana (?) and talking about how hot and ready she is (much like a Little Caesar’s pizza) and can’t wait for the next girls’ night out, where they’re gonna get CRAZY y’all, yeeHAW.

I don’t know why it even bothers me to the point I felt the need to write about it, except that there are four kids involved and they’re getting to see their parents’ marriage implode along with the rest of the family, all over the internet. I don’t have all the facts, so I still try to reserve some judgment, but it’s so easy to read between the poorly worded and misspelled lines. But because I know firsthand even infidelity is able to be overcome and have a marriage come out intact, it’s frustrating to watch this happen. She is the type who will ask for your advice and help and then completely ignore it. Which means it’s time for me to step back from the whole thing because it actually doesn’t affect me or my life at all.

Does this mean I’ll stop reading her posts? Hell no.



1. Swistle - February 3, 2011

Holy cow, that is such a perfect mix of appalling/shocking and funny.

2. Karen - February 4, 2011

There are few things I can tolerate less than ignorance: skinny people who insist they’re fat, know-it-alls and jagermeister. Uck.

Kimmothy - February 7, 2011

Know-it-alls probably top my list but I’m not fond of Jager either; bad experience in the late 90’s.

3. Scott - February 10, 2011

“…things just somehow remain fresher in the absence of maleness.”

That is hilarious, I must admit! My house is a mess–though more cluttered than dirty. Females do tend to be the cleaner, neater sex (at least human females). It’s probably evolutionary–we males having always been too exhausted (and dirty) after hunting to keep the home neat! At any rate, I think if all men were as unlucky with women as I, their houses would be messy too! Women may keep their homes orderly for other women (just as, it is suggested, they dress for other women). But we men couldn’t care less what our own sex thinks–we keep our homes orderly for you, and we dress for you!

Kimmothy - February 10, 2011

I’m no neat-nik by any means, but for some reason he’s like the Peanuts character Pig Pen, where dust and clutter follow him around like a cloud.

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