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Not So Much Blues as Blahs December 14, 2010

Posted by Kimmothy in Fam Damily, Holidays, Moods, Youth.
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As is fairly common for people this time of year, the other night I was stressed and foul and disgusted with humanity. It was however quickly remedied with stringing the little white lights through the ficus tree and over the mantle, Brian getting a good fire going and watching A Charlie Brown Christmas. I’ve never made it through Linus’s Bible quote without tearing up and it’s impossible for me to be in a bad mood while hearing that music. Above all the Christmas specials, that one is my childhood for me.

I said, “Remember when Christmas used to be exciting? It’s so NOT anymore.”
He replied, “Damn – I better step it up with the presents!”

And not to be totally cliche, but I said it has absolutely nothing to do with the presents. Yes, I do realize I’ll never again have that exquisite joy of excitedly trying to sleep on Christmas Eve and waking up to a tree buried in gifts, but it’s so much more than that. My parents made a huge deal out of the holidays for us (I very much appreciated the fact, even then, that besides lighting a candle for the menorah each night of Hanukkah, they felt Christmas was a lot more fun for kids and went the Santa Claus route for us). We had the usual traditions – going for the Christmas lights ride, visiting our Italian friends who opened their presents on Christmas Eve (I used to strongly campaign for that for us to no avail), eating bagels, lox and cream cheese on Christmas morning…yeah, that one was probably just ours, but still.

For me, the entire month of December used to be one long anticipatory stream of glee and that lasted well beyond high school. Even after I went away to college, that month meant school breaks and reuniting with friends to drink beer in the woods and really it felt like one long party. And I know obviously part of this whole current malaise is because we no longer have my dad – he made everything more fun, let alone the most fun time of the year. And I also realize I’m not unique in missing a loved one during the holidays. I can easily identify the reasons for these blahs; the challenge is in trying to figure out how to fix them. Or if they’re not fixable I guess learning ways around them? Something.

I just reread all that and like always, I feel guilty for even giving voice these “problems.” Awww, I’m not EXCITED anymore – go tell that to the homeless people down at the bus stop freezing their asses off this morning and see how much sympathy it produces. I know I’m lucky to even have the luxury of being warm right now, being at work and not working, drinking my sweet sweet coffee. And I have been actively trying to remind myself of all the good things I have so as to knock the meh out of me, which does work to a certain extent.

But still. I want some Christmas magic, damn it.

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Comments»

1. Tiffany - December 14, 2010

If I could write in 87-point font in your comments, I would…

“DITTO.”

2. iamheatherjo - December 14, 2010

I never get completely over missing Mom around the holidays because she was what made them so special, but doing the things she did for other people I love, helps. It sounds cheesy and stupid, but it does.

Do some Dad stuff this holiday, sweetie. Even if it’s just for you and Brian.

3. Swistle - December 14, 2010

Oh, no, no no no! I totally see what you mean. I’m already getting nervous about how things will be when one of my parents dies—but even without that, I get the pre-Christmas blah feeling. It just isn’t the way it used to be, and that’s a little upsetting every single year, it just IS, and you’re right: it has absolutely nothing to do with presents.

Also, I thought my eyes were going, but no, that’s SNOW going across the page. SO COOL.

4. SMurF-B - December 14, 2010

Holy Crap! It’s like you got inside my head! I’ve had the same thoughts for a couple of weeks! I’m in a crappy mood with several causes, but I’m not sure how to get around the mood, because I can’t change any of the causes.

I agree with Tiffany

87-pt font

DITTO!!!

5. Kimmothy - December 15, 2010

Wow; thank you – it helps knowing I’m not just crazy. Well about this particular subject anyway.

6. Taoist Biker - December 15, 2010

87-point DITTO.


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