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Drugs Aren’t the Answer…But What Was the Question? December 21, 2009

Posted by Kimmothy in Celebrities, Experience, Health, Life.
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File this under Stating the Obvious, but wow has this been a shitty year for celebrities. The news of Brittany Murphy’s death yesterday capped off what’s been a totally surreal few months Re: death of famous people. Like many people, when I first read about her I immediately thought, Oh okay – cokehead tweeker + cardiac arrest = not surprising. Which then kind of made me feel bad because that’s mean. It could’ve been something else. But then later last night I read about how her husband didn’t want an autopsy done and then I was back to thinking, yeah it was drugs. Either way, sad.

Drugs. I’ve dabbled. If you know me IRL, you know my story. If you don’t, well, it’s a pathetic story that shames and embarrasses me to this day even though it’s been several years since I got the problem looked at and taken care of. That’s not to mean I take “recovery” lightly; I still do proactive things on a daily basis to ensure the problem never returns.

Before I caught a habit, I was pretty cocky about the whole thing. I figured since I knew my mom’s alcohol issues and by the time I was in my late 20’s I was pretty much over drinking, I was okay. And then with other substances I tried, nothing ever stuck so hey, look at me – all moderation and shit. Even with pot, probably the least dangerous (imo), I finally reached the point where I didn’t like it anymore and simply stopped smoking. Yay, me.

But then a bunch of shit happened in a relatively short period of time; bad, life-changing shit. The oft-documented Bad Time with Brian and in the midst of all that the death of my dad. I consciously knew substituting various pills for food wasn’t the healthiest choice, especially when the dog got used to following me into the bathroom to sit there nervously and watch me throw up. It did wonders for my waistline but probably not many favors for my liver.

Strangely Xanax, something I’ve been prescribed on and off over the years, has never been a problem for me. (Maybe because I actually use it for what it’s meant for? Gee, what a concept.) Anxiety issues run rampant in my genes and I’m thankful my current doctor who knows my drug history sees fit to trust me with this drug. No, the pills I like are unfortunately all of the pain variety. Makes things tricky when I occasionally need things done like dental work or God forbid my shitty back starts to act up.

Opiates don’t play, either. I’m sure you’ve heard of heroin? Yeah well, a lot of pill poppers fool themselves into thinking they’re A-ok because at least they’ve never sunk that low. Heroin users are back alley street junkies or rich skanky rock stars. Totally different than the white, middle-aged wife/mother/contributing member of society who keeps her drugs stored and sorted neatly in her little orange child-proof capped prescription bottles. Totally different. Except exactly the same. No, I never injected heroin into my body. But use your imagination and yes, I probably did that and that and oh right, that too. Everything else.

And trust me when I say withdrawals do not discriminate. When you haven’t slept for four days, have turned every clock in your house around backwards so you don’t see how every minute is lasting an hour, freezing cold and also burning up, gushing sweat, pacing, and balancing your ass on the toilet and your face in a trash can so your body can expel everything simulataneously, well, you stop feeling so goddamn righteous over never having shot up.

Before I experienced all that, I didn’t understand the attraction of drugs. People like John Belushi and River Phoenix and Chris Farley (and, and, and) really pissed me off. How can you have that much talent, that big of a life, mean so much to so many people and throw it away to get high. Your life is that miserable that you can’t bear to live it? Well, yes. Yes, that’s the whole point.

Luckily for me, I do value my life. And I’m a chickenshit. And a guilty person who never wants to disappoint people. I never had a death wish, even during the worst of times. It’s hard to put into words, but what I did want was…a break. A little vacation from the relentless THOUGHTS that kept coming and coming and coming. Not to be nodding off comatose or tripping the light fantastic in another dimension or tweaked out of my mind, but just…peace. To have all the sharp edges nice and rounded off and maybe a little blurry.

And I completely sympathize with anyone else seeking it. Life sometimes sucks the big one. But it’s still totally worth it.

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Comments»

1. Taoist Biker - December 21, 2009

Ballsy post, Kim. Very gutsy. Bravo for doing it.

Like you, my first thought about Ms. Murphy, spoken aloud to Dys as she told me the news was. “Oh. OD?” Sad.

azizmoummou - December 21, 2009

Hi:
Congartulations
kinda nice blogging…keep going
mine is simple: http://hellochichaoua.wordpress.com

Go on,
Aziz

2. seeohel - December 21, 2009

fantastic, ballsy, awesome post; i’ve done the same things and feel the same way at this point in my life and wish i could have articulated it like that.

Gabriel Irons - December 21, 2009

“Ballsy” is an excellent way to describe this. You go!

3. Summer - December 21, 2009

amazing post!
I agree on everything you said about drugs!

4. Linda Ryan-Harper - December 21, 2009

now I get the name My Chemical Romance…the things others do to us sometimes pale by comparison to the things we do to ourselves…modern chemistry promised us a better life, I’m afraid they didn’t deliver, did they? It’s strange, but when young you experiment with drugs for kicks, but you see in this American life, that more and more prescription drugs are introduced, so much so that you wonder why anyone need turn to the streets for drugs. When you are old, it’s not unusual to see a whole arsenal of pills, a dozen minimum. And, we depend on the manufacturers to keep them safe when our food supply isn’t safe! A pharmaceutical conspiracy? Bad doctoring? I say, revolt, people…don’t take your medicine…eff ’em (or die trying).

Kimmothy - December 22, 2009

It’s true that many doctors are quick with the prescription pad but not so much with disclosing important information that should go along with every bottle of pills. Like: DANGER DANGER, YOU MIGHT LIKE THIS A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

5. morethananelectrician - December 21, 2009

I seem to remember someone a couple of weeks ago talking about her problems…and that it was pretty bad.

Drug use in my family through my childhood has somehow prevented me from even “dabbling.” I have been watching people try to kick habits for a lifetime. It doesn’t look like easy work and since I am proactive about everything else this should be no different.

Well said.

6. the faltese malcon - December 21, 2009

Ballsy indeed.
I think the question was “how many roads must a man walk down?” (but I might have gotten lost somewhere along the way!)

7. Sytor - December 21, 2009

I am very lucky in that I am terrified of drugs being a total control freak. People have offered but I could not do it if I tried. Greta post thanks

8. Cynthia - December 21, 2009

I randomly came accross your post today and I admire your honesty and courage to come forth with your story. I am taking it as a sign from the cosmos to reconsider my choices in life. I have been using for four years and like you I started in my early twenties and thought that addictions were for ‘weak minded people’ and that I could totally control them and stop whenever I wanted to, no biggie. I just wanted to quiet the worries in my head, forget the hurtful past and the uncertain future for a bit, but time does not descriminate and here I am three years later with a chunk of my life spent getting high, oops. I am now trying to get back on the right path and your post inspired me to keep on going =) Life is tough at times and we can either chose to live in heaven or hell here on earth, I strive for heaven….thank you Kimmothy

Kimmothy - December 22, 2009

Thank you; I hope you’re doing okay now.

9. msb04 - December 21, 2009

Hi

I also came across your post randomly. It seems a lot of people try and find that ‘question’, that peace, that wanting to blur all the edges and get some happiness. Well, this might sound a bit strange but I think you and everyone should at least entertaining the thought that you are here for a reason. You have a purpose, and you have the opportunity to feed your soul – that thing when gone hungry can lead to seeking happiness and tranquility in a pill or a bottle. It’s not as mystical as one might first think – but it’s definitely worth looking for. You were created to please the one who created you. And when you do that, I swear by Him, you will find nourishment to your soul – it is what it is begging for and that is when you will find that those sharp edges and bad memories don’t mean a thing – rather they’re all vital steps that lead to you becoming who you are and realising your purpose.

We are given chances again and again and again to look around us and realise our purpose. The solution is easy – the one that created you is the only one with the right to be worshipped. Not the celebrities, not the whims and desires of the people, but the one alone who deserves worship. Everyone believes in this, some call him The Father, some call it Braman, some call it ‘energy’, etc. The matter where they fall into error is they do not realise that only he is worthy of our worship. We are born with the tools necessary to realise this – it is our parents that make us a Jew or a Christian or an Athiest. Look into the worship and submission to the one that created you alone – this is called Islam in Arabic but call it what you want – it is what every messenger and prophet was sent with.

10. Taoist Biker - December 21, 2009

Yep. Sho’nuff – Kim’s on the front page of WP!

Woohoo!

Kimmothy - December 22, 2009

Was NOT expecting that!

11. Rochelle Foulk - December 21, 2009

Wow… amazing I thought to browse wordpress and here is your blog. I love it.. life is still totally worth it. Amen sister. Thanks for posting.
with love Rochelle

12. suzy2110 - December 21, 2009

Great post, Kim. I’ve done some dabbling myself, but not to that extent. I’ve watched family members battle (and in one instance, sadly lose the battle) against a serious addiction, and you’re so, so brave for having the strength to do something about it.

Kimmothy - December 22, 2009

Thanks Suzy; it took A LOT to get the nerve to come clean and make that first step, but I thank God every day I did!

13. My Social Relevance - December 21, 2009

Great post, it is a sad state that we live in re drugs and the ease of its availability for the rich and famous. There is so much to live for. Finding purpose in life is so important.

14. mike - December 21, 2009

Well, I’m glad I read your post, and hope your doing ok. Sounds like you are inspiring some people to make better choices. Any addiction causes damage in life, but certainly any addiction that most people think should be, or is illegal/immoral, causes people to hide them as best they can.

I’m glad you spoke about it.

15. iamheatherjo - December 21, 2009

I log into WP today and what do I see? A link to YOU!

Good luck keeping up with the responses to you entries now, honey!! 🙂

16. Dina - December 21, 2009

Great post!

17. MarcyS - December 21, 2009

My first thought about the Famous One was, “Anorexia.”

Great post. I wish more people wrote so honestly about drugs. I can relate to everything you said. A break, yes, peace. May you and I find some.

18. Kimmothy - December 21, 2009

Uh…wow.
I’m more than a little shocked so many people read this today – I just got home and this was a very big surprise. But I have to say I’m glad I finally got the nerve to post this; it’s been simmering for awhile. It sounds cliche’, (probably because it is) but one of the hardest parts about addiction is all the secrecy and lying involved. I don’t by any means claim to have the answers, but I can honestly say opening up about it to (some) of my loved ones was one of the hardest, yet most rewarding things I’ve ever managed to do. You can’t ever realize the support you have available to you if you don’t ask for it.
I hope that didn’t sound preachy; I still need all the help I can get.

19. juniper86 - December 22, 2009

Hi there.. like a few others I randomly found your blog and really love the voice you have. Especially your ending line- although I am sure it doesn’t always seem like it is worth it to many, including myself at times.
I hate that most people jump to that conclusion about Brittany Murphy… I wrote about that a little myself this morning after seeing an article. Personally I think it is just sad to lose such a talent (and the autopsy thing could be for religous reasons) and that it should be left at that. Ok who am I kidding, tabloids sell for a reason- we are all a bunch of gossips lol
looking forward to reading you some more- hope you will drop by my blog as well!

Kimmothy - December 22, 2009

It’s true; I think she and/or her husband might be Jewish and even though I am too, I’m a bad Jew so I’m not sure how they feel about autopsy.

juniper86 - December 22, 2009

hey just so ya know you accidently commented on my blog in response to someone else’s comment hahah i was very confused lol

juniper86 - December 22, 2009

depending on I suppose your level of devoutness- in the Jewish faith you have to be buried a certain number of days after death- something to do with the sabbath I believe. So usually an autopsy takes longer and I believe part of it is that the body is not to be disgraced by being cut open, and it has to be buried in its entirety so nothing can be removed. Not sure if this is the case with Ms Murphy but it could be!

20. Car - December 22, 2009

love this post designer drugs always got the best of me

21. cubistx3 - December 22, 2009

Very straight forward and ballsy post. I once. I am right there with you on this one. Great post.

22. isralike - December 22, 2009

Well said, well written and good to know for the “outsiders” of us who were frightened away from drugs by caring parents who told tons of shocking stories of the monster people who once became dug users.
Good that you’ve been posted on the home site of wordpress otherwise I wouldn’t have seen the entry.
isralike

23. valentine defrancis - December 22, 2009

straight-up chatting. thank you for your honesty and putting it out there. you said things that most think but won’t say.

valentine

24. Vei - December 22, 2009

Great writings, keep it up 🙂


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