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SCHWING in the New Year December 17, 2009

Posted by Kimmothy in Fam Damily, Holidays, Marriage, The Man, Uncategorized.
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Don’t say anything, but I bought Brian a naughty magazine as a surprise stocking stuffer. (And no, I can’t write that without thinking, “Heh heh – I bet after that he’ll stuff my stocking”) Besides a subscription to Playboy that has recently lapsed (and by the way Hef, sending me renewal notices starting three months after we got the first issue is a really quick way to piss me off and you were already on my shitlist for letting Holly get away), it’s been awhile since I’ve purchased anything naked-related, so I was shocked, SHOCKED, to see that the price for one magazine was $11.99. I relented because well for one thing, this is actually a Hustler and I suppose the ratio goes up according to how much action there is and also it includes a bonus dvd – oo-la-la!

I had this whackjob of a friend once who completely flipped out when she found out I “let” Brian look at those kinds of magazines. Let him. I never realized I was in charge of what he can or cannot look at. This girl wasn’t a religious fanatic, or anything like that – she was just one of those weirdos who freaked the hell out if she and her husband were out in public and an attractive woman came within a three mile radius of her eyesight. Her husband wasn’t the type to ogle other women; in fact he went out of his way NOT to notice anyone, lest feel the wrath of Crazypants, and always tried to let her know she was beautiful, the only woman for him, blahblahblah. Of course irony won out in the end like it always does and she ended up cheating on him with three or four guys in the course of about a year, one of them being his brother.

I will admit that of course I have some insecurites. I’ve always pretty much assumed that comes along with being a human and a female. But getting seriously pissed at Brian if a pretty girl walks by? I just don’t have that kind of time. We kind of moved past that when both of us slept with other people and then decided to stay married anyway. And anyway, what usually happens with us is like a little private fun joke: the woman passes by and Brian looks at me because he knows I’m looking at him and smiling, then he smiles at me and I say, “What are you smiling about?” and he says, “What are YOU smiling about?” and so on. It’s retarded and fun, like most relationships’ little games are. I don’t know; I guess I just have a pretty laid back attitude about all that stuff. Especially pictures in a magazine or images on a TV screen. Some people aren’t comfortable with it; I am – pretty simple.

Tomorrow is my last day of work and then it’s sweet vacation action for the next seventeen days. I’m pretty excited. Of course I have a list of stuff I want to get accomplished in that time, but considering a week or so will be spent down in the Sunshine (and still stupid hot) State, we’ll see how much actually gets done. I know I will be dragging my warm & toasty ass out of bed bright and early Monday morning to hopefully finish up my shopping.

Which reminds me of a question. If you’re a dude (or just know what dudes like), what’s a good ten dollarish gift I can buy for the family gift swap? I have the girl thing already (a candle – mindless and boring but effective) but I’m downright stumped as to what would be a good cheap man gift.

I’m thinking a Hustler probably wouldn’t go over very well.

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Comments»

1. Taoist Biker - December 17, 2009

First off, HAHAHAH bigtime props for the Hustler in the stocking! That would make me laugh my butt off.

Second, yeah, wtf is up with magazine prices? In the last two months I bought a Guitar World and a Road & Track for Boy (not so much a Hustler, though) and they were like $6-7. Damn!

Third, I look at pretty women. Everywhere. I also ogle motorcycles and hot rods, for basically the same reason – they’re pretty and fascinating and looking at ’em makes me feel good. The End. (Dys will also tell you that I’m FAR more likely to break my neck looking at a passing motorcycle than a woman. What can I say, I have a problem.)

Good $10-ish gift for a guy? A small pocketknife, perhaps? One like this one is in my pocket at all times.

Or a Hustler. Good conversation piece, at least…

Kimmothy - December 17, 2009

Knife! Brian has a really cool one he got years ago at Walmart for about that price – good idea! I don’t know how I forgot that along with girls and motorcycles, boys love weapons.

2. iamheatherjo - December 17, 2009

John always knew that if he saw a cute girl, I had already seen her, given her the once-over and decided he would think she was hot long before she even caught his eye. Sometimes I would even point them out to him if he was taking to long to get around to it.

I once even apologized to him that of all the waitresses at Hooters, we got the one who didn’t have any. It gave me a great giggle when he said “yeah, but she’s nice”. 🙂

Kimmothy - December 17, 2009

Aww, that’s an awesome story!
Girls who don’t let their men go to Hooters kill me too – they have great wings.
And asses.

3. Swistle - December 17, 2009

I will pay you $11.99 to take a Hustler to a family gift exchange.

Kimmothy - December 18, 2009

Ha!!
I often wish I was the kind of person who could do something like that and get away with it.

4. crisitunity - December 17, 2009

Swistle is awesome.

I am 100% in line with you about p0rn and checking out the girls. I generally check out girls myself, being not altogether straight, and I have no idea why it bothers women for men to look at magazines and online stuff. (Unless it’s an obsession that interferes with his normal life, that is.) It’s not REAL. That’s the POINT.

Kimmothy - December 18, 2009

Right – I would have a problem with ANYTHING that interfered with real life; everything in moderation. And yes, women are usually a lot more interesting to look at than men. Men are hot but also have funny dangling things.

Taoist Biker - December 18, 2009

It’s true. Women, you can look at for hours. Men…well, after the first 15 seconds, what’s there to look at?

Maybe some of the funny dangling things need something like a snazzy bowtie or something.

5. Tiffany - December 18, 2009

Heh. I have a subscription to Playboy for Bill, that is actually in my name. And when it comes to pointing out pretty girls/boys, it’s a race to see which one of us notices her/him first. I tease Bill because he has to STARE for so long, where as I just glance over and commit to memory.

Kimmothy - December 19, 2009

Women are hot; I don’t see why so many women have a problem with that.

6. morethananelectrician - December 19, 2009

Weapons and meat are ways you an never go wrong in the eyes of a man…and hooters.

Kimmothy - December 19, 2009

Weapons, meat and hooters…so maybe the knife AND a dirty magazine just to make sure all the bases are covered.

7. Kimmothy - December 19, 2009

TB – HAHA, BOWTIES ON DANGLY THINGS – GREAT VISUAL!!!

8. Jon - December 21, 2009

My wife goes out of her way to point out attractive (read: large-breasted) women to me when we’re out in public. And I go out of my way to pretend I hadn’t already noticed the woman like 10 minutes earlier.

Let’s see… a good $10 gift? A six pack and some lottery tickets.

Kimmothy - December 21, 2009

Ha! Yeah, Brian has better eyesight than I do too – who am I kidding he didn’t see the girl first.
That gift would be great in a normal family; sadly this one is nothing but Southern Baptist weirdos.


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