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The Innocents November 10, 2009

Posted by Kimmothy in Life, Nail Biter, Uncategorized, World.

When I was in Florida visiting with my pretend daughters, the conversation turned to sex as it always occasionally does. They’re getting to that age (14 and 17) where I’m starting to get very a little nervous about some situations they might soon be facing and since I’m not actually their real parent, they’re a lot more open with me. This is both heartwarming and terrifying for me.

We’ve somehow established a funny little routine where I ask them “Innocence?” and they know they have to tell me yes or no. Yes as in they still have it or no as in okay, let’s take a ride down to the health department where we can stock you up with condoms and then we’ll need to stop at the liquor store on the way home so I can buy myself a bottle of whatever will obliterate my memory the quickest. I’m guessing tequila. Anyway, so far they’ve both always answered yes, (and then we have a moment where I freak out for a few seconds, wondering if I asked the question wrong and they’re telling me yes they’ve had sex then they reassure me no they haven’t had sex and we all share a nervous laugh) but then the conversation heads towards more uncomfortable ground and they inevitably start asking ME questions. I feel obliged to answer of course, because if they feel I’m open with them they will hopefully continue to be open with me. I’m really hoping that’s the case anyway, otherwise I’ve done nothing more than filled two teenage girls in on way, way too many details regarding my sexual history.

They’re growing up in the same small town I grew up in. I used to think this was a benefit, as small towns seem more innocent than big cities in a lot of ways. Less drugs, strong sense of community, parents who all went to school together and who are more than happy to rat out somebody else’s kid should they catch them doing something wrong, etc. But then I remembered the late 80’s/early 90’s in that same small town and the ridiculous lack of things to do there. Movie theater. Roller rink. Hanging out in McDonald’s parking lot to see where the party was, finding someone of age who has done nothing with his/her life to buy alcohol for everyone, then going out to the woods to drink beer and have sex. Unless somebody’s parents were away for the weekend, in which case there was the luxury of having a house to fornicate and underage drink in. That’s about it.

One of the cliche’s I reiterate to them is it’s always, ALWAYS okay to say no. This sounds like a big ol’ DUH, I know, but saying no is something I’ve had a problem with throughout my life, whether it’s a thankless task at work no one else wants to do to going to a social function I know I’ll hate to doing sex stuff with a dude I didn’t necessarily want to do. I was lucky enough never to have actually been pressured to the point it became a crime, but looking back I know there are several guys I could subtract off my List had I just been persistent enough to stick with my first instinct and not give in because it was just easier. I know I’m what’s known as a “pleaser,” and I see that trait in both girls as well. I think it’s a female thing to begin with anyway, for the most part. And while my husband certainly benefits from it, those girls don’t need to be pleasin’ any-fucking-body.

Even with their virginities intact (thankyougod, thankyougod) they’re both way more sophisticated than I was in my mid-teens. While it’s shocking to hear them joke around and use words like “jizz” and “vag” and “fingerbang” (okay, I’ll admit – I taught them that last one – but still), I think they’re actually at an advantage compared to me back then. The world in general is a lot filthier now and their parents are way more liberal in what they’ve allowed them to be exposed to than I was. At 14, Elizabeth sees almost every Rated R movie that gets released, whereas I had to carefully scheme  and plot and hope my parents would sleep deeply to be able to sneak and watch Endless Love when it finally premiered on HBO by sitting two inches in front of the TV with the sound turned almost all the way down. Becky is on the Internet so much, SHE showed ME where to find the naked pictures of Pete Wentz. A lot of people view this as the crumbling of civilized society, but I see it more as de-sensitization. Oh, look at that – another penis, big deal.

Okay, not really. But it helps me sleep at night, okay?



1. Swistle - November 11, 2009

OMG it had never occurred to me that my niece might someday…..OMG.

Kimmothy - November 11, 2009

It’s horrible.

2. Taoist Biker - November 11, 2009

I second your instinct that you’re doing the right thing. I think having SOMEone around that you trust and feel like will answer your weirdest questions is a godsend for a confused teenager. And frankly, I’d bet that the fact that they don’t see you incredibly often makes it a little easier to do it – if you were there every weekend, you’d just be another adult fixture in their lives, knowhutImean, Vern?

It is weird to think how desensitized we are to sex nowadays and yet how we still manage to be strangely fucked-up about it nonetheless. THAT would make a great radio show discussion topic.

Kimmothy - November 11, 2009

You’re right – I think it’s easier for them that I breeze in and out of town only a few times a year.
VERY good radio show topic!

3. iamheatherjo - November 11, 2009

It’s just unfortunate that a lot of these kids are desensitized, well informed and can still be such complete boneheads about protection! Hormones and heat of the moment decisions never change with the times.

At least “your girls” seem to have good heads on their shoulders and the luxury of having someone like you in their lives that they are comfortable talking to.

Kimmothy - November 12, 2009

I’m amazed at how much more they “know” now yet they (for the moment) choose to remain de-activated. I hope it lasts awhile, but I plan to be there for them even when things turn ugly.

4. morethananelectrician - November 11, 2009

All this goes well, until an unsuspecting parent catches wind of things. Then…trouble. And you take the blame.

Pete Wentz? Doesn’t he wear eyeliner?

Kimmothy - November 12, 2009

Both their moms are very open with them and are aware of what we talk about. The tougher decisions (for me) come later. Hopefully much later.
Yes he does, and also has a really ridiculous haircut.
But, nice package!

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