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‘Ello, Govnah! November 5, 2009

Posted by Kimmothy in Work.

Things have improved greatly at work from where they were a year ago, when I shared an office with Crazy McShittybritches. Not only do I have my own office with its own door (yes, that still excites me after all these months), but I now have two new co-workers as office neighbors and the three of us get along well. After two years here, I finally have some decent companionship and it’s been a nice change.

Disclaimer: I like both of them, so what I’m about to say is not actually a complaint, but more of a poking fun at a personality trait. Good fun, that’s all.

I don’t know your policy on sharing stories about your personal life at work. Me, I’ve always been pretty middle-of-the-road. With the exception of the one or two people I usually become close friends with at a job (well besides Avatel, where we were for all practical purposes a family to the point we knew each other’s menstrual cycles, bowel schedules and sexual preferences), I limit it to brief and relatable anecdotes. Basically, until I get to know you fairly well, I’m not one to share too much of myself. Of course once you become one of my people, I will then overshare to the point of inappropriateness – ask any of them. Or hell, just read this blog.

Anyway. One of the new office friends – K. She’s a very pleasant woman; wife, mother of four and church-going. Very, very frequently church-going. But not too obnoxious with the church talk.  Early on, I pulled the Jew card (which has to be the queen of diamonds, right? Hahaha!) (Oy.) and also added we sometimes attend a Baptist church. This is very effective in confusing people to the point they won’t try and save me. So, we’re cool on that front.

No, her main quirk so far isn’t as big as religion or politics. It’s the scope and nature of family stories she shares. All day. Every day. My other work friend J nor I cannot say anything to her, work-related or not, that doesn’t have her immediatley responding with a cute tale starring her husband and/or kids. I mean – not a biggie in the great scheme of things. Regardless, here’s an example from yesterday morning:

I arrive in the morning and walk to our common area, where our coffee set-up is located. (Aside: A few weeks ago I told them there was a spare coffee pot in the main break room not being used anymore, and that it belonged to me. I’d brought it in long ago when the office’s maker went kaput but we’ve since gotten a new one. We decided to confiscate it and use it ourselves, bringing in our own supplies and sharing and it’s working out great). Anyway.

We said good morning and I held up the container and said, “I brought our replacement coffee!” 

Her reply: “Oh, it was so funny this morning. I didn’t brew any at home like I normally do because I knew I’d have a cup once I got here and my seven-year-old came downstairs and said, ‘Mommy, where’s my coffee!?’ It’s so funny, but about two or three years ago I got in the habit of making him a cup – mostly milk of course – when I made mine and it just became a little routine with us! I had to tell him, ‘Joshua, Mommy didn’t make any this morning but I promise I will tomorrow!’ He was so disappointed!”

My reply back: “…Awww…that’s…funny…”

Another one, just for fun:

Her: “How was your trip to Florida?”

Me: “It was great. I had a lot of fun, especially at Disney.”

Her: “Oh, that’s good. You know, Sam and I have always promised the kids we’d take a trip to Disney one day, but with everybody’s schedules being so different now and my oldest being away at school it’s just so hard. The age difference between my girls and boys really make it difficult for us to find things we can all do as a family, so whatever we end up doing someone is usually pouting a little – haha!”

Me: “…Oh…that’s…true…”

I mean, sweetgeorgiabrown! Maybe it’s because the two examples I just shared both happened fairly early in the morning and I’m not what’s commonly known as a “morning person,” or even “awake before 9 a.m. even though I get to work at 8,” but my God. In the month or so I’ve gotten to know her, I could pretty much give you a play-by-play of the entire inner workings of her household and a good portion of each child’s life history.

Do I prefer this over the sullen silence and occasional rudeness I used to get from Shittybritches? Of course. Does that mean I’m going to stop making fun of it? Ha!

Other fodder for future stories:

– Her humming and/or singing of religious music. I think I posted on Facebook the other day how I hate hummers (insert blowjob joke here) and that I’ve worked near them before. Seriously, with the humming. Do you think your co-workers are enjoying it, that we’re really getting into the melody? Or do you just not care. Or do you not even realize you’re doing it. See, the possibilities here are endless and I feel quite sure I’ll be exploring them all.

– Her breaking into a bizarre, British Cockney accent for no discernable reason, to the point that when she does it J has started calling her Nanny McPhee. I had to bite my tongue from adding, “Or Mrs. Doubtfire,” because I refuse to acknowledge the fuckery out loud for fear of encouraging it. It’s funny when Andy from The Office does it, so I’m not quite sure why it doesn’t work for K. But it doesn’t. So shut it, you silly git, before you drive me nutters!

I wonder what people say about me when they talk about what an asshole I am.



1. Taoist Biker - November 5, 2009

“Insert here” is the beginning of the blowjob, not the joke. Sorry.

Well, you asked for it.

Kimmothy - November 5, 2009

I tried to somehow integrate that as a joke-within-a-joke, but I’m not that talented.
At jokes, not blowjobs.

Taoist Biker - November 5, 2009

Touche’, madam! *bow*

2. iamheatherjo - November 5, 2009

Let’s find their blogs and see what they’re sayin’! 😀

Sounds pretty harmless. But I’d definitely start creating boundaries if anyone at work started sharing the cycles and movements with me. Close as family, or not, that’s just stuff I don’t need to know about at work. Hee!

Kimmothy - November 5, 2009

You probably would not have enjoyed working at my old office. Which is lucky because I was of course the worst offender!

3. iamheatherjo - November 5, 2009

That’s okay. I never wanted to know about my family’s cycles and movements, either! 😉

Good friends are way different though…and far more raunchy. I like that.

Kimmothy - November 5, 2009

I figured out you didn’t mind a *certain* amount of raunch when you told me you also love Kevin Smith!
Thank goodness, because I know I can be pretty damn gross.

4. Swistle - November 5, 2009

You have a gift for capturing the way people talk. I can HEAR her!

Kimmothy - November 5, 2009

Coming from you, that means so much to me! I’ve been told dialogue is my strongest writing suit – I should just start to blog conversations I here every day!

5. crisitunity - November 5, 2009

Those people drive me INSANE. The ones who can’t stop talking about their families. Because, ahem? You’ve lost me before you even started. I don’t care about your kids.

For you I imagine it’s less annoying but more emotionally painful.

Kimmothy - November 5, 2009

I’m actually okay with people talking about kids as long as they’re older because older kids are usually annoying. It’s the baby talk that gives me the sads.
But this woman, it’s just more STFU, period!
Except she is nice, so I would never say that.

6. LL Cool Joe - November 5, 2009

That would drive me nuts too. The humming even more so!

Hearing Americans doing fake British accents can be a touch irritating too!

You know when I’m in the States people come up to me and say “Your accent is awesome, are you Australian?” Must be the hat with the corks on it.

Kim - November 6, 2009

Joey, if you could hear this accent, you would probably run screaming from the room. Sometimes I do.

7. Laura - November 5, 2009

The whole randomly breaking into a British accent would totally KILL me if I was there in person to experience it. She is henceforth known to me now as Britney.

Kim - November 6, 2009

Britney – haaaaa! Wow, that’s going to make today a lot more amusing.

8. Jon - November 6, 2009

The guy in the office next to me sings all day long. Which would be annoying, except that he’s always cranking out the 80s hair ballads. Which is awesome.

Hey, how do you do that cool “reply” thing on comments? I’m relatively new to WordPress (and far too handsome to understand technical jargon.)

Kimmothy - November 6, 2009

I’d be happy with 80’s hair ballads.
This sounds retarded, but I’ll have to figure it out and I’ll let you know. I don’t think I actually *did* anything to make it work; it was just a feature of the layout I chose.

9. Kristin D - November 6, 2009

That you’re a funny asshole. Just kidding! But really, you are funny.

10. Joan - November 10, 2009

I had a kid in my class one year that was a hummer… it drove me crazy!!! Turns out, that kid’s mom is now my best friend. We have fun joking about it.

Kim - November 10, 2009

That’s the one exception where a humming story actually has a happy ending.

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