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Familial Angst August 5, 2009

Posted by Kimmothy in Fam Damily, Jews, Life, Vacation.

I feel like I should be wearing all black and listening to Fall Out Boy while writing this post. Thanks to the movies, we now know it’s possible to be a 40-year-old virgin, but what about a 40-year-old Emo?

There are more times than I care to admit where I know certain situations would be far less problematic if my dad was still alive. It’s absolutely futile to think that way, but it’s true. He was not only the greatest dad who ever lived, but also the loving glue that held both sides of my family together. Even though my inlaws are about as different from my parents as they could be, he had the charm and personality to make any social situation with them not so awkward and even enjoyable.

I decided not to see my mom while I was in Florida. I’d wrestled with it so much beforehand and even after arriving down there I was still completely undecided. Then I spent two days with family and even though it was a lot of fun, I was ready for some time with some of my chosen family, Grace & Elizabeth. Yes, I spent three nights about five miles away from my mom’s house and even passed right by it a couple of times. This sucks to admit and also that NEVER would’ve happened when my dad was here. 

So now comes the aftermathy consequences and the best part is I have absolutely no one to blame and/or deal with it but myself. Wicked awesome.

I was talking to my cousin last night (who is dealing with major issues right now as well, issues that have me worried and talking with her on a daily basis) and she told me something very upsetting. Her dad, my uncle, asked her if I’d been to see my mom while I was down and she told him no. He started in with the “I can’t believe she did that, blah blah, etc. blah.” Lori cut him off right then and completely supported me, telling him he had no right to judge my actions (if you read this, thank you again LJ) and it effectively shut him up. But then he told her he spoke to one of my OTHER uncles who just so happens to be my MOM’S BROTHER and TOLD HIM I’D BEEN TO SEE THEM BUT NOT MY MOM.


Was it not bad enough I met someone for the first time at a small cook-out who when finding out who I was immediately said to me, “I know your mom – Louisa, right?! I see her at the golf course all the time!” Because there is no town on Earth smaller and more incestuous than where I’m from. No, that wasn’t enough – perish the thought! It had to be someone in my own family who’d betray my trust like that and stick his nose in where it totally didn’t belong. After I drove 480 miles to see him while he was in the hospital.

But, whatever. What’s done is done and now I just have to figure out how I’m going to deal with it. I have a few ideas already:

1. Be completely honest about it. Which could get a little bit awk, since that would mean saying to my mom, “Mom? Yeah, I did go down there for a few days. I really feel bad about not seeing you while I was there, but I seriously didn’t think I could handle you right now. Still love ya lots though!”

2. Lie my ass off.

3. Accuse my uncle of lying his ass off, something he is actually famous throughout our entire family for doing.

4. Take my customary non-confrontational, chickenshit route and ignore it until I feel it’s safe to start communicating again, which would probably be months from now. You know, the Tori/Candy Spelling route.

I have no idea what to do. All I know is when I went to lunch with my sister-in-law yesterday and she was telling me all the unnecessary and annoying shit her dad was putting her through with regard to her upcoming wedding (it is GEORGE we’re talking about after all so no big shocker there), all I could think about was my dad and my wedding and how I rented Father of the Bride to watch with him a few weeks before it and he cried and how thankful I now am for the pictures of him walking me down the aisle and dancing and giving Brian’s dad a golf lesson in the middle of the reception and how even though I never took his greatness for granted I still, STILL feel sorry for myself and cheated because he was taken too soon.



1. iamheatherjo - August 5, 2009

Well…on some level you kinda knew that someone was gonna bust you out to your mom (whether on purpose or accident), right? I’m sorry that it happened, but it’s like on Friends, “The Trail” got ya.

How about a variation of #1 to get you past this? Ignoring it in hopes that it will go away will just drag it out for you. Lying your ass off won’t make you feel any better either. 😦

Kimmothy - August 5, 2009

I’m actually inclined to #1 myself. The truth is sometimes the hardest, but at least afterwards I know it’ll be well and truly over and (maybe) we can move past it.
And yes, I should’ve known I’d get busted. Everytime I’ve ever snuck into town it’s happened.

2. Whiskeymarie - August 5, 2009

It sounds trite, but honesty IS the best policy. Suck it up and just tell her the truth, my dear. You need to say it and she needs to hear it.

As someone, like you, who is stuck with the “lesser” parent after the better one died, the best moves I’ve ever made concerning my Dad were when I was totally honest, called him out on his crap, calmly and firmly defended myself, and stopped letting him make me the “bad” daughter. He tries harder now, and I think we both respect where the other is coming from, even if we don’t always agree.
But be warned: it was VERY rocky at first- parents do NOT like having their children point out their shortcomings. Not at all…
Be proactive, take the initiative, be strong and be HONEST. (I used extra caps just for you.)

Kimmothy - August 6, 2009

You’re so right. I think the hardest part for me will be to try not to regress to feeling like the bad little kid who got in trouble. I’d love to overcome that.

3. morethananelectrician - August 5, 2009

I toyed with the going up to Michigan and not seeing my family for a while…but I just couldn’t figure out a way out the the “getting busted” part…I would sway toward partial honesty. Maybe even apologizing to make it go away…even if you aren’t sorry. But…what do I know.

Kimmothy - August 6, 2009

Even with honesty I have to be careful with how I treat my mother. She’s not what one would call very “stable.”

4. Taoist Biker - August 7, 2009

I’m with the majority and say go with some version of honesty. I’ve been reading Margo Howard’s advice columns long enough to have seen the light of her philosophy that you are under no obligation to keep negative people in your life, no matter what accidents of genetics might make them say so.

And your uncle needs a kick in his butt when he’s healed enough to take it standing up.

Kimmothy - August 7, 2009

Yeah – I don’t see this making our relationship any WORSE. I’m probably going to call her tomorrow. It’s been nice knowing you all.

5. Swistle - August 9, 2009

I love the part where you say you may never write in lowercase again.

If it were me, I would wait for her to make the first move, and then choose my actions based on that.

6. Kimmothy - August 9, 2009

Yeah – I am seeing how her voice sounds before I proceed. Then I’m just going to push forward and get it over with.

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